Sarah
Last week my grandmother surprised us all by having a stroke. She is doing better for the moment—so far, she can swallow again and she can laugh, but she can’t talk—and my mom and aunt flew to be with her. “If you can come, you’ll be glad you did,” my mother told me yesterday on the phone. “It is being a very sweet time.” I bought my ticket the same day.
I am unsure what the future holds for me. Funny I should feel like saying that now. When are we ever sure what the future holds for us? See Grandma’s stroke above. Somehow routines and relationships give me a feeling of knowingness. In DC, I can pretend that I know what the future holds for me; for instance, eating chocolate chip cookie dough with Stephanie and dinner with Manfriend. If I were staying in DC, my money would be on those things.
This next life move is cracking those guesses-posing-as-certainties wide open. Life in Las Vegas feels unknown. How will I survive a year with no cherry blossoms, no leafy canopies, no Potomac? Life after Las Vegas is unknown. Where will a 30-year-old Sarah find a place to lay her head?
I am raw for comfort. I find myself singing a lot of Dixie Chicks these days. Specifically, the song “Wide Open Spaces.” She needs wide open spaces / Room to make her big mistakes.
I sang this to my roommate Steph a couple of weeks ago. She said, “You’re from New York. When did you fall in love with wide open spaces?”
This is the only narrative I have found comfort in. I am leaving a house, a job, a proximity to my parents, a city, a blog I love so much, for what? For the chance to bust open my heart and rely on God. Can I build my own Zion in the wilderness? Find people to love and people to love me? Can I find a life that is not predominantly loneliness, or a life in which loneliness brings patience, to do a perfect work on my heart?
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. Probably yes. As Manfriend says, whatever sends us to our knees is a blessing. Whatever prompts us to pray is a blessing from God.
I do have faith He will hear us.
And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in. (Isaiah 58:11-12)
Please, oh God, water me with blessings. I am praying in the desert to thee.
28 comments
Comments feed for this article
May 24, 2010 at 12:25 am
sarahlolson
Let me say up front: Thank you to the Baugh sisters, for hosting me Sunday night in Vegas. You have given me a lovely respite from the whirlwindness of the weekend. I pray for rain for your deserts too.
May 24, 2010 at 1:09 am
nakiru
I for, one, would just like to say, I will miss you. No grand gestures or clever sentiments this week, Sarah, I just want you to know that I will miss your particular writing voice. I feel a little like I’m losing friends, but I agree with Manfriend. Whatever prompts us to pray is a blessing from God.
But may many of your coming prayers be ones of great joy and thankfulness. Blessings.
May 24, 2010 at 4:42 am
brohammas
How appropriate; you are headed to Vegas to roll the dice.
May 24, 2010 at 6:23 am
living in zion
This is posted on my fridge : ” barn’s burnt down….now I can see the moon”.
I love this because it reminds me that even when the worst things happen, there can be a blessing. Your move to Vegas isn’t your barn burning down. It turns out your barn is on wheels and can be transported, giving you a new view of the moon. I bet it looks different from Nevada.
I will miss you.
May 24, 2010 at 6:31 am
JourneyBeyondSurvival
Oh Sarah.
After moving 11 times in 10 years
Burying 4 family members this year
Having a child with a debilitating disability
Living somewhere I never imagined I’d get to
Living somewhere I never imagined
I’ve learned:
You’re gonna be ok & GOOD LUCK
May 24, 2010 at 9:38 am
shelley
Leaps of faith this wide are so rare and so fun (in retrospect). There is something about the blindness of it all that is so exhilirating, so scary, so life-promoting. I’m all for it and grateful that you are up for the adventure.
May 24, 2010 at 9:40 am
gamma
Your story resonated with me today–your grandmother’s stroke, your leap into the unknown. (Your mother is right; you were wise to buy the plane ticket.) And prayer, yes, always.
God bless, and I will miss your insightful posts. Have a great adventure in Las Vegas. Unmitigated bliss? Sheer misery? Yes to both, but only occasionally. Certainly a growth experience.
Best part, IMHO? Proximity to West Coast. I hope we will see more of you.
May 24, 2010 at 11:03 am
Blue
You will be surprised at how much beauty there is in the desert. It helps to be open to it. It is a new and different kind of beauty. I helps if you look for it but sometimes it is just an amazing jolt. Drive outside the city in the evening and be amazed at the sunsets, especially in late July and August. I’m sure you will find just as much beauty in the life you find there. Best of luck. I wish you could blog and let all of us know how you are doing, I feel like the end of the story is missing….
May 24, 2010 at 11:54 am
Jess
As always very well said SLO. Just remember that rain in desert doesn’t always come in the form of rain but the Lord will provide the right manna to help with that perfect work on your heart.
Being in the temple together celebrating our RMR Saturday makes me a little less sad today, a silver lining. Good luck!
May 24, 2010 at 12:54 pm
healthgirltv
I wish your Grandmother a speedy recovery, and I really ant Manfriend to propose already! 🙂 Best wishes for your future. No doubt, it is bright.
May 24, 2010 at 12:55 pm
healthgirltv
ant was meant to be want
May 24, 2010 at 1:23 pm
nel
I cannot think what to say but ‘thank you’.
Thank you for this post and the timing of it.
Thank you for all you have written.
Thank you for sharing a little bit of you.
May 24, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Sharon
I liked what you said about a “life that is not predominantly loneliness, or a life in which loneliness brings patience, to do a perfect work on my heart.” I was counseled/blessed by my brother once to “have the kind of trials that bring you closer to God.” It was an interesting thought to me that I could have uplifting trials or weakening/destructive trials. And it made me happy to see that you distinguish the potential for perfect work to happen through something you might not initially choose.
At the beginning of this month I shared my thoughts at church that if there is a lack in one part of our life, there is surely abundance somewhere else. But it might take a little more care to recognize it as such. It came from similar thoughts about deserts and wilderness and gardens. And here’s a final scripture that I love on the topic. Thank you, Sarah. Live abundantly in the desert.
May 24, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Stephanie
In your words, “Who will take care of Stephanie after I leave?”
Please find your own replacement.
I will miss you so. The spaces between us will be too wide.
May 24, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Nancy
Thank you for another beautiful post. All my best to you. You really will be missed.
May 24, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Michaela
I just moved and completely thought that would be something definite in my life. Turns out, I could just as easily move in a year again, or not. And letting go of that something definite let me lose a lot of stress that came from trying to figure out what exactly the definite was. Does that make sense? Letting go is the best.
If you have any inclination to poetry, get Kim Johnson’s book “A Metaphorical God”. It might just be perfect for your new locale.
And while you are at it, Edward Abbey, who isn’t poetry, but is the desert. The starkly beautiful desert.
Good luck!
May 24, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Rachelsister
I love you, Sarah, and I’m so excited for you and the desert. I only wish we could coordinate moving times so I could end up out west the same time you do, instead of the opposite. Ah, but ’tis life.
love,
rachel
May 24, 2010 at 5:27 pm
Kelly P
Amen, Sarah- Amen. Good luck and remember– Las Vegas can’t be that bad they have Trader Joes and In N Out Burger; (their diet coke brew is particularly good… 🙂 I reccomend Trader Joes chocolate covered pretzels and diet coke for a rough day… maybe you can send some to Steph and you can skype?? plane tickets are cheap to Vegas for Manfriend, right? (can’t help it- I’m a solver.) I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
May 24, 2010 at 5:59 pm
Erika
Sarah, I have loved keeping in touch with you and your life via the Apron Stage. We are going to have to be better about using other means of communication now that your are taking this leap.
This post reminded me of a scripture I just read that gave me comfort as I was preparing to turn 35 in my still-single state. It’s Isaiah 51:3 — “For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.”
May all of our wildernesses be as Eden. Joy and gladness are on the way!
May 24, 2010 at 6:02 pm
Erika
P.S. I have no doubt that you can and WILL ROCK Las Vegas. You’re a superstar. Don’t forget it.
May 24, 2010 at 7:37 pm
rvs
Dear Sarah,
It is astonishing how close we can come to God when that is all we have. Of course, God and prayer is rarely all we have, but sometimes, that is what it seems. Being able to find peace within ourselves and the Lord is an incredible blessing and I am sure you will develop that talent in the next year in Las Vegas. It is not always easy, but that peace and comfort is astonishing and I have such faith that you will do this hard thing and many other hard things. My family has a motto, “I can do hard things.” So, Sarah, can you.
Thank you for the Apron Stage and thank you for your advice and example. I wish you the best in everything.
May 24, 2010 at 10:32 pm
allysha
Sarah,
I have enjoyed your posts immensely. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Good luck in the desert of Las Vegas. {My in-laws live down there. I’m not a fan, but we still visit.} I will say this, I love the temple there.
May 25, 2010 at 12:04 am
Kathryn
Next to the anticipation of change, change itself is easy. Expecting to miss things, expecting sadness, expecting loneliness and heartache are the hardest part.
My grandfather had the following quote on his wall all through my childhood: “Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” (Goethe, maybe).
The best admonition I ever received was to be bold. So go boldly, Sarah L. Olson, and may it bring you genius, power and magic.
May 25, 2010 at 11:34 am
AmyinTucson
To my surprise, I’ve subconsciously lived by the motto “Do or Die.” As in, I will do this or die. I will move here and make it work or die. I will do this job well or die, I will magnify this calling or die, I will cling to this relationship or die. As you can see, sometimes this is a good motto, and sometimes it is not. In reality, very few things in life are do or die. Really. The one who teaches our choices are set in concrete is not the one we want to follow. So fight the Good fight. Crummy job? There is no failure in finding another one. Unfriendly new city? Move. DC will welcome you back with open arms–be it 3 weeks or 1 year. So will AS. If the choices made result in unhappy consequences, well, it is not do or die. Go back, re-choose. You will not die.
I love you, Sarah.
May 25, 2010 at 5:41 pm
Angelique
for some reason, I didn’t realize until just NOW that every post this week will be the last from each of you – and now I’m crying – please, please, if I promise to be really good, and make thoughtful comments EVERY day…no, TWICE every day, will you all please reconsider leaving us bereft?
on a more serious note – you don’t know me Sarah, and I don’t (technically) know you but so many of your posts have reflected my own thoughts and feelings – thanks for being so open here
May 25, 2010 at 7:24 pm
AnnaBeth
Ok, so you are going to a city I’ve lived in, and never want to again. However, you are ready for a new and wonderful experience and I want you to get all you need out of it. I thought I’d give you a little bit of advice on how to make it through the blazing summer to help you the first few months.
1) Sonic. Watermelon slushies go great with salads.
2) Get a great bathing suit or two and use them. Pools are your friend. Don’t be shy.
3) Drive-in movies + July = 2 hours of gas used with the a/c on.
4) Visit Yogurtland on West Flamingo. Yum. My friend owns it. She’ll love you.
5) Make roadtrips to California where we have a beach, Dineyland, and several of your favorite readers …and not as many billboards about “gentlemen’s clubs”.
May 29, 2010 at 6:07 pm
louise Plummer
“Please, oh God, water me with blessings.” Amen and amen.
June 1, 2010 at 11:35 am
lauren k
“It is astonishing how close we can come to God when that is all we have.” rvs I am hanging that somewhere. Maybe it’s obvious, but for some reason I find that a deeper truth today than any I have encountered in awhile. Am I allowed to love you women I do not know? Because I am pretty sure I do. I will miss this blog and it’s timely posts, and I will miss your thoughts and the way you wear your profound talents and lives with such grace and approachability.
Thank you.