Jed
My name is Jed “Manfriend” Brinton, and this is Larry the Cable Guy, here to help me introduce … The Hammer Stage! **
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, an entire week in which we, the men of the Apron Stage, take the … stage, for lack of a better word, to do what men do best – kill time until the women come back. Hopefully we won’t break anything. (we’re pretty sure the banner up top will look good as new after a little duct tape)
To kick things off, I will address the important topic of manliness.
What is manliness? Some of you (including some of the men) aren’t sure. Fortunately, you are reading this post, so you get to hear the answer from at least one man.***
Manliness is effort. It involves doing things, particularly hard things. Men open doors, pay on dates, and do the dishes. They set goals and they achieve them. Speaking to men, Thomas S. Monson said “It is not enough to want to make the effort and to say we’ll make the effort. We must actually make the effort. It’s in the doing, not just the thinking, that we accomplish our goals. If we constantly put our goals off, we will never see them fulfilled. Someone put it this way: Live only for tomorrow, and you will have a lot of empty yesterdays today.”**** For example, I recently finished two looming assignments that I had procrastinated for months (or maybe years – let’s be honest). Tackling those assignments (and my perennial procrastination) made me a little more manly.
Manliness is action. As a freshman in college, my nickname was “Action” (instead of “Manfriend” – I hadn’t met Sarah yet) – you can probably guess why.***** In certain situations, taking action can be tough: getting a girl’s phone number, asking a girl out, planning a date, dropping a girl off at her door, taking out the garbage, etc. (for more examples, see Rudyard Kipling’s “If“) Interesting that most of those involved girls. Turns out that manliness has a lot to do with attitude towards/treatment of women. Men do what needs to be done, even if they feel fear or uncertainty. In fact, the religious principle of faith is related to manliness, in that faith is a principle of action (for more on this subject, see Lectures on Faith – a good read).
Manliness is learned by example. Hopefully you can learn from spending time with men first hand, but the internet has some good examples just in case. Or there are plenty of examples in books, especially historical books (for some reason manliness was more abundant back in the day).
I’ve been reading a biography of Theodore Roosevelt recently – now there was a man. Despite being a skinny, asthmatic child, TR tenaciously trained himself in sports and outdoor activities. He took up boxing, eventually placing second in the Harvard boxing championship his senior year, and continued to box through his time as Governor of New York and President of the United States. I haven’t reached the parts about his experience in the Spanish-American war, but this post (on this excellent blog) details some of the lessons he learned from that experience.
Christ was the archetypal man. He did what needed to be done, every time. He put others first. He understood his duty and overcame fear and loneliness and temptation and pain to accomplish it. After he had been flogged and crowned with thorns, Pilate presented him to the people saying “Behold, the man!”
For example, Christ’s treatment of women was exemplary. Later in the same chapter, while on the cross, Christ looked down and saw his mother standing among the disciples. In his time of extreme trial, he took a moment to entrust his mother to the care of the apostle John before he finished his mortal ministry. As I write this on Mothers Day, I hope I can follow his perfect example of love and respect for my own mother.
Christ learned manliness from the perfect example of his Father, the Man of Holiness. Christ referred to himself as the Son of Man, in reference to his Father’s title. Any manliness that I possess I have learned from my relationship with my own father, and from my (still-developing) relationship with my Heavenly Father.
So, whatever it is that you are facing, the thing you procrastinate or avoid or fear most, cowboy up, git’r done, and be a man.
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*”The phrase “git-r-done” or “get ‘er done” (or “git er done“) is a southern United States colloquialism meaning to finish an action, to get the job done. It is also used in the Canadian province of Newfoundland.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Git-R-Done
**Tim from Tool Time was a close second, but then the catch phrase would have been “It’s Hammer Time!” Problematic.
*** “Why is it so hard to be a man? Am I a man? Yes, technically, yes.” (around the 3:50 mark – but the rest of the video is quality, too)
**** another reason I love President Monson – he’s a fellow Broadway lover (another sign of manliness – being willing to admit that you love musicals)
***** or, if you can’t figure it out, I’ll tell you – it was because they let me pick. My buddy Brian picked “Danger” (actually Danger was his middle name), and our friend Lindsay picked “Mad Dog.” We were freshmen.
20 comments
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May 10, 2010 at 8:05 am
smylies
It’s funny, I think, how much emphasis is placed on what a man is in our culture. I liked your take on it Jed. The picture and reference to duct tape notwithstanding, I think your version is a lot more accurate than the one we got from that scary Dave guy on last season of the Bachelor. (You probably didn’t watch last season of the Bachelor, but close your eyes and you can imagine exactly what I mean when I say that scary Dae guy. In fact, it was probably your cognizance of him et al that inspired you to write this piece).
May 10, 2010 at 8:54 am
sarahlolson
Already this comment has sparked a serious conversation with my brother. Turns out he’s interested in the difference between men and women, thus attempts to define manhood are worrisome to him inasmuch as they also describe women. And inasmuch as they engender (ah ah ah) judgmentalness.
It makes me realize that what I think you’re trying to do here is not to identify the differences between men and women as much to create a positive list of what is manly. As I said to my brother, the recipes for pizza and pasta can both have tomatoes. (He seemed unpersuaded by this, but I like it.)
This post reminds me of one of my favorite moments from one of my favorite movies–Lars and the Real Girl. Lars asks his older brother how he knew he was a man. And his older brother hmms and haws until finally he describes what it is to be a man: You take care of your family, you’re true to your woman, and you don’t jerk people around. (Something like that.)
I know nothing about Larry the Cable Guy, but I think I’m with Rebecca–he can’t be a poster child for what you’re about, Manfriend. Can’t be.
May 10, 2010 at 9:08 am
Jocie
You defined manliness quite well, no surprise there Manfriend. I particularly like your inclusion of duty. More and more I realize the men I respect most in my life are honorable men who know and do their duty with generous hearts. Git-r-done.
May 10, 2010 at 9:11 am
jessica
I love your emphasis on doing hard things. That is something that, as a woman, I appreciate about you guys. You are great at accomplishing anything when you put your mind to it. Welcome, manfriend. Wonderful post.
May 10, 2010 at 9:32 am
NO
By the sweat of our brows, right? I think that action is a principle of power and control. I appreciate the emphasis on this. Women are successful if they live by action, too. This is what my sister sarahlolson was referring to in the ” pasta and pizza can both have tomatoes in them” debate ( I was partially persuaded by this, btw, my dear, smart sister).
Duty and honor are tied to roles. Duties and roles are almost interchangeable, honor comes in executing these duties to your own satisfaction and the satisfaction of others. Lars and the Real Girl highlights the debate about what roles men and women play in a relationship. When I sold cars, we had hours and hours a day to talk about whatever while waiting for customers to walk onto the lot. There are few jobs where groups of people can get away with sitting around talking without getting fired so I learned a lot about some of these people. Anyway, the topic of the value of being married came up often, since most of these conversations revolved around (or devolved into) the topics of relationships, sex and money. Was there a value in being married with all of the heartache and money problems that come with it? Could it be easier / less costly to hire house keepers, personal chefs, birth mothers, therapists, child care givers, stylists, geriatric care givers, escorts and prostitutes to replace a female spouse? Those are the roles assigned to women in many relationships in our society. Can the role of wife be boiled down into the component parts and still be the same thing? Where is the place of love in all of this – is this feeling of love worth all of the emotional and financial liabilities we saddle it with in our society? I think that the debate is moot in the face of other philosophical and religious values (belief in an afterlife, divine emphasis on certain activities, etc), but I also have a hard time believing that the nature and depth of my love and gratitude could be cultivated “artificially.” I quit that job to go have better conversations.
I reject many of the stereotypes of manliness in our culture because they are arbitrary, capricious, and lead to very problematic rules with which to judge others. I am very interested to know what are the heuristics of manly behavior that I should teach my children, so my son knows how to act and my daughter knows with whom to enter into a relationship.
May 10, 2010 at 9:32 am
gamma
Oh Jed (aka Manfriend), you have warmed the cockles of my heart. Having lived in the midst of six brothers and six generations of manly men (all of whom git ‘er done), I love & appreciate classic John-Wayne-style manliness. It’s nice to know that manliness is alive and well in the 21st century.
And those of us with front row seats for the Apron Stage know that no self-respecting manly man can stand on a soapbox decorate with pale-blue polka-dots and curlicues. Bring on the duct tape and Vive la Difference!
May 10, 2010 at 9:40 am
gamma
Oh, hello, NO…I was crafting my comment while you posted yours, so did not see it until mine was already up.
I stand by mine, but acknowledge the legitimacy of the questions in yours. My experience with my aforementioned six generations of men is that they, to the core, think differently from women, and one of the ways they think differently is their assumption that manliness is an attribute that can be lost if not properly maintained. If there are “virtuous..of good report, or praiseworthy” attributes that they see as manly, and therefore must maintain, I am fine with that. I have my own emotional undercurrents that, in their roundabout way, lead me to “git ‘er done” in my feminine way, which I pretty much assume is a given, requiring little maintenance. Vive la Difference.
May 10, 2010 at 9:47 am
gamma
Final points:
in first comment, change “decorate” to “decorated.”
in both comments, change six generations to five generations. Apparently I cannot count this early in the morning, and reject the notion that this reflects on the math capabilities of men vs women.
Finally, I wish, NO, that we could have a proper conversation. What a fascinating meaty discussion that would be!
May 10, 2010 at 10:18 am
Sharon
Effort (especially on hard things), action, example, and relationships with women as manly. I like that. Another attribute that I think is wonderfully manly is vision, the ability to see and dream big about making a good and long-lasting difference. And then to have a git’r done man behind that? He wins my admiration and trust regardless, and if he’s eligible, he makes my heart flutter.
May 10, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Melody
My husband and I were just talking about Lars and the Real Girl the other day. However, neither of us could remember the title. I thought it was a great movie.
It’s refreshing to hear the point-of-view from men who have respect for women. I think a lot of the men in the history books that we read about and admire had much respect and gentleness regarding women. I think that is why so many of them have been admired over the years.
There is something manly about a man that is in touch with his emotions and gentle side. That doesn’t put on airs because of what is expected by society. A man who holds strong to his values and moral convictions. A man who has integrity. Someone that does the right thing, even when no one else is watching. A man who leads and guides by example and kind words. Someone who lifts people up and makes them feel more full.
A man who is selfless and generous with his time and talents.
Thank you to all of you manly men out there!
May 10, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Vaughn
Good post. Here’s a quote on the role of men from Dennis the Menace (1993) that my wife quotes quite often:
Margaret: You know why men are so lousy when it comes to taking care of babies?
Dennis: They have better things to do.
Margaret: Like what? Play golf and drink beer?
Dennis: No, like hunting, having wars, driving cars, shaving, cleaning fish. Do you know how to do that?
Joey: Me?
Dennis: Margaret.
Joey: Oh, okay.
Margaret: Well, if you didn’t have women, you wouldn’t have babies, which means you wouldn’t have people.
Joey: And if you didn’t have men, who’d drive the ladies to the hospital?
May 10, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Manfriend
smylies – I completely agree about the image of manliness portrayed in the picture. I mostly chose him because his catch-phrase is git’r done (although it didn’t hurt that he has the Constitution tattooed on his right bicep), even though I don’t know that his character is exemplary of much other than speaking with a Southern accent and drinking beer. In any case, the picture and the man portrayed in it are definitely ancillary to my point, which hopefully is more focused on effort and action.
sarahlolson – I can totally relate to your brother, since my mind works the exact same way (wanting to draw the line between two things in a logically precise manner, with a Venn Diagram, not over- or under-inclusive, etc.). I think this is a product of my Western-logic-statistics education, and is a very valuable tool to use. However, I have also found that some things in the real world overlap, and in a messy way. Your same-ingredients metaphor is apt.
Another way of explaining the approach to manliness used above (that might appeal to the philosophically-minded) is Aristotle’s idea of virtue ethics, wherein the virtuous man is the center of the system (rather than a set of rules like most modern ethical systems). Aristotle tries to describe the virtuous man, and often uses examples of what the virtuous man would or wouldn’t do, but ultimately the concept of a virtuous man cannot be fully captured by a set of rules. Virtue is a matter of being, and it is embodied and really only fully communicated in the virtuous man.
And thank you for introducing me to Lars and the Real Girl – a truly beautiful movie.
Jocie – “Do thy duty; that is best; Leave unto thy Lord the rest!”
jessica – “I can do hard things” = a good motto for men (this motto brought to you by Women)
NO – I don’t know much about raising childrens, but I’m a big fan of what I’ve seen so far on this website, and this post caught my attention. What do you think? (and while we’re on the subject, I’m also a big fan of the Arbinger Institute, so I’ll also mention this article on parenting from them)
gamma – I did not intend to address the differences between men and women, but as a good friend of mine always says (sings?), “boys and girls are different,” and I think it is silly to pretend otherwise. And the differences matter. “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”
Sharon – Vision, the ability to see afar off, is definitely a virtue of a true man. It is absolutely essential in setting and reaching goals. In fact, some of my favorite scriptures touch on vision.
Melody – Now THAT was a great description of manliness. I’m suspicious that women are better at detecting and describing it than men are, for a variety of reasons.
Vaughn – Driving ladies to the hospital is exactly what I’m talking about here. If men didn’t do it, ladies would have to drive themselves.
May 10, 2010 at 6:24 pm
Katie M.
Awesome, awesome post. Sarah: I can see why you love this guy.
May 10, 2010 at 8:20 pm
Jane
Sarah, you are one lucky gal. This guy is witty, insightful, funny, AND willing to post on your gal-blog?
WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!
Go Manfriend! Great post.
May 10, 2010 at 8:27 pm
Monica
Too bad Teddy Roosevelt was so obsessed with going to war that he left his wife on her deathbed and his son in the midst of a breakdown to prove his idea of “manliness”. Years after his participation in the Rough Riders he said he would have walked away from his dying wife again if it meant he could participate in battle.
Often being manly — or womanly, for that matter — means giving up personal dreams to serve and care for the ones we love.
May 10, 2010 at 8:55 pm
christine
I get asked all the time what I’m looking for in a man. For a long time I didn’t really know how to answer that question well. I had given some thought to a basic list of requirements, but nothing too detailed. I just figured I would know it when saw it. I’m the oldest daughter of four boys and two girls, it’s not like I’m lacking for male role models.
I watched my brothers date, get married and have children. I watched them stand up for what they believe in, treat women with respect even when those women didn’t always treat them with respect, figure out that their favorite movie musicals are My Fair Lady and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and then call me when they can’t remember the lyrics, struggle to define themselves, learn from their mistakes, always try to do the right thing, cry at the loss of a brother and grandma, follow promptings from the spirit, work hard at crummy jobs in order to support themselves and later their families, find jobs they like and continue to work really hard, actually manage their finances, exercise self control, fulfill their callings, love and honor their wives and kids, raise good families, play hard, give babies baths and change diapers, be a stay-at-home-dad, support a wive through higher education, send me their oldest sister off on a deployment, and live righteous lives. Yep they’ve done all that and were only in our mid-thirties.
My brothers are amazing. Not always perfect, sometimes complete buttheads, but always amazing.
Now when well intentioned people ask me what I’m waiting for I tell them that I’m waiting for a real man who is a lot like my brothers.
Your post was great. I think you captured well the idea of being a real man. It takes work and conscious decisions to be a real man, just as it does to be a real woman, or for that matter a real person.
May 11, 2010 at 2:18 am
brohammas
The header has never looked better.
The ability to ryhme is very manly.
The ability to spell has nothing to dowith manliness.
May 11, 2010 at 5:39 am
louise Plummer
Jed, you ARE the MAN! Thank you, thank you.
May 11, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Cissy
I love that you included the love of Broadway as proof of manliness. For me, that quality in my husband was like a special bonus.
Thanks for a good post.
June 14, 2011 at 4:59 pm
miss courtney.
THANK YOU for including Christ as the manliest man in this post. All men should look to Him for their manly concerns. Also, I think rock climbing defines a man’s manly capabilities. It’s a personal definition. There’s just something about seeing a guy scramble up a rock…
May I also include that it’s pretty manly to willingly help out or serve someone in a situation that can be considered quite “girly”? Think about it. It’s mostly “cute” sprinkled with manliness. i.e. helping with baking and wearing a rather frilly apron.
I want to add that Captain Teancum in the book of Alma is rather studly. He’s my mom’s preferred cup of tea. Javelin through the heart? Super spiritual? Heck yes.
I’m going to watch Lars and the Real Girl.