Sarah
We go running in the mornings. Not every morning, though Manfriend probably would if I asked him to. “How about three times a week?” I said. “Twice on weekdays and a long one on Saturday.” Last Saturday we ran eight miles. Manfriend wants to say we jogged it. He’s still getting used to my liberal use of the word “run.” But I told him what I tell everyone—“Running is anything that is harder than walking.” He seemed persuaded. Or generous. I’d love him for either.
We eat dinner together every day, with the exception of Tuesdays, when he has an evening thing, and Thursdays, when he volunteers as a tutor. I spend those nights trying not to resent the reasons that take him away from me. “Those darn kids with needs!” I think. But I read the troubles of the DC public schools and tell myself I’m doing my part to help.
He never hesitates to say he’s sorry. He tells me easily and often how great I am. He says it like this: “Obviously, you are wonderful.” He holds my hand in public. He puts his hand on my hip as he moves me to the safe side of the sidewalk. He closes his eyes when I scratch his head. He closes his eyes and he smiles.
We are learning things. How to talk to each other about public policy without feeling defensive. How to do work when we want to not do work. How to go to bed early and wake up early, despite the attraction of more conversation, of more attraction, of more time with roommates. (This is a serious we’ve-left-each-other-now-directly-to-bed peril: We each have wonderful roommates. Distractingly wonderful roommates.) I am learning how not to hate the cold and the dark and exercise, if Manfriend is there. We are learning how to have hope in change.
We are learning to say truer and truer things to each other. One of these days, we’re going to know how to say our very truest things. We might, by then, have grandchildren.
Still, we don’t know if we will get married. (Living in Zion, did you hear that? We still don’t know if we’ll get married.) But we are delighted and not scared when other people make the mistake of thinking we are engaged/wedded, and that is a good sign. Dating someone I could actually marry is WAY more fun than dating someone I could actually not.
Even when I am crying—even when I am feeling sad at his decisions, at mine, at my too-small heart and lame attempts at loving—part of me is thinking, “Isn’t this fun? This is so fun. What I’m feeling is so real.” This embarrasses me. I worry the teenage-Anne-Shirley in me has not really gone.
We have trips planned. We are going to New York this weekend. We are going to New York for Valentine’s Day. We are going to California for Reija’s wedding in June. We’re going to the movies. We talk about Boston and Arkansas/Tennessee/Kentucky (the three states I need to reach my goal of 50 by 30) and Portland (where his sister lives). And when Manfriend has met some of his professional goals, we’re going to go someplace awesome like Hawaii. It feels like daydreaming; it’s likely to come true. Whose life is this?
Please don’t say our love is cute. Or you can, I guess (it is, in many ways, adorable), but feel reassured: We have fought. We are communicating. Everyone we talk to wants those things to be true, apparently so we don’t fall into the trap that others do (do they? really?) and think that true love means never having to say you’re sorry.
But you should know, I was raised watching What’s Up, Doc?. And it ends, if you don’t remember, with this important truth:
Howard Bannister: I’m—I’m sorry for the things I said back there.
Barbra Streisand/Judy: Listen, kiddo. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. [Eyelashes flutter.]
Howard Bannister: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
And, with a kiss, The End.
Sounds good to me.
31 comments
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January 18, 2010 at 12:14 am
Abby
Sarah, I feel such joy for you. I wish you the absolute best in everything.
January 18, 2010 at 12:15 am
angie f
Tell Manfriend that jogging implies “travel with a jolting pace or motion” (dictionary.com). And even on my most labored and truly awkward runs, I don’t want to imagine myself traveling with a jolting pace or motion. I’m sure you don’t either.
What a delightful courtship story. Thank you for sharing.
January 18, 2010 at 12:51 am
Lynnette
Oooohh, I love a good relationship update. Thanks for sharing. AND What’s Up Doc? is one of the best. movies. EVER.
January 18, 2010 at 2:13 am
Adam Findley
Sarah, hands down my favorite thing about you is how refreshingly honest you are. Not just that you are willing to tell us how exactly how it is, being open and forthright yet somehow reserving those personal moments for yourself, but that you are so explicably honest with yourself and how you are truly feeling.
Most people get lost in their sea of emotions or the bliss of wishful thinking, but you are able to see down to your core and succinctly and frankly describe how you feel and what’s going on. I truly got excited when I used to see you go up to bear your testimony.
Thanks for yet again another terrific post, describing love the way it truly is and not romanticizing it.
January 18, 2010 at 2:57 am
SASmylie
I want me some of that comfortable uncertainty….it is such a delicious feeling. Thanks for sharing with us and stirring my heart.
January 18, 2010 at 8:37 am
Living in Zion
Sarah,
Thank you for the life update. I feel so much better. Things sound like they are going along just as the universe planned.
Has Manfriend ever watched “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? Now THERE is inspiration.
You are fabulous and this whole thing is way better than any soap opera. Life is Beautiful. (That is another great movie about love conquering all.)
January 18, 2010 at 8:41 am
sister
Thank you for being delighted when we say things as if you are already “engaged/wedded,” because it happens surprisingly often. For instance, I just asked Isaac, “Do you want to read Aunt Sarah’s blogpost about her relationship with Uncle Manfriend?”
January 18, 2010 at 8:42 am
smylies
Adam–you think she didn’t romanticize it? Whatever Sarah–it all sounds romantic to me.
Shelley, comfortable uncertainty, yes, that’s a fantastic emotion.
Sarah, the reason I think you and Manfriend are a good pair is because he’s okay with you writing things like this. I’m serious about this–it means you’re dating a man who is on to you. Which I love.
January 18, 2010 at 8:55 am
nakiru
This was nice. Realistic. Real.
(First, I agree, running is anything harder than walking. So glad I’m not the only one.)
I, too, am in a learning relationship stage. I find that learning to fight gracefully (and fairly) with someone whom you secretly (or not) adore despite their faults is hard. To paraphrase you, fighting with someone I could actually marry is WAY more work than fighting with someone I could actually not. It actually matters to me whether or not we can agree on
Thank you for your generousity in sharing your relationship with us.
January 18, 2010 at 9:25 am
nakiru
*sigh*
*we can agree on things.
January 18, 2010 at 9:39 am
Sharon
This makes me happy. 🙂 I remember your McKay essay, Sarah, and I remember some grapevine hearings of Manfriend’s dating at BYU, and I am just so happy for you both. From my definitely limited knowledge of you two, this seems the best yet.
January 18, 2010 at 9:46 am
Rachel
Hooray! I just got up and did a little dance in the Scala’s upper bedroom, waking Bek up and probably prompting Sebastian to mention it later on. Hooray! You’re coming to New York this weekend! Hooray!
Also, lately I’ve been thinking about the Anne Shirley way to live, or -more specifically- the L. M. Montgomery way to success, and I’m agreeing with it more fully, the P. E. I. way of life. Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not planning on being in a serious relationship any time soon… 🙂
-will see you in NY
January 18, 2010 at 10:39 am
Kahalia
Whoa. How can you write without holding ANYTHING back, when he will read it? Whoa.
January 18, 2010 at 11:05 am
Shandi
Sarah,
“We are learning to say truer and truer things to each other. One of these days, we’re going to know how to say our very truest things. We might, by then, have grandchildren.”
I love that statement. Mostly because you said “learning”. It is definitely not something that you just naturally do (or at least I don’t). It has to be learned, learned throughout a lifetime.
January 18, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Adam Findley
smylies: That was a play on words. Of course she is romantic, but she didn’t spin it as way more than it is, or romanticize it.
January 18, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Petra
I, for one, am most delighted to hear that you’ll be coming to California for Reija’s wedding. Hooray! I’ll get to see you!
No, wait: most delighted that you’ve built such a wonderful relationship with such a wonderful person. But seeing you in California will be a close second.
January 18, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Katie
This made me all smiles inside. It made me need to go kiss my husband.
January 18, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Mercedes
learning to communicate our perspectives on policy issues without killing each other is still something my husband and i are working on. the chicago school of economics informs pretty much everything that comes out of my husband’s mouth and i was raised in canada (and hence am a pinko). there is an ocean between us politically speaking.
i wouldn’t have it any other way though. we always have things to talk about. there will always be lively debate and discussion in our home. things will always be interesting.
now if i could just overcome the urge to call him heartless whenever he says something reeking of chicago. like i said, we are still learning.
January 18, 2010 at 3:43 pm
lisapior
“I worry the teenage-Anne-Shirley in me has not really gone.”
I sincerely hope she isn’t gone. Life would be so lacking in imagination without her.
January 18, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Louise Plummer
Oh, I aree: we should all hang onto a little Anne Shirley. She keeps us young and vibrant. I love that photograph. At first, I thought you were both inside the bubble! Wrong.
January 18, 2010 at 5:13 pm
Manfriend
I would just like to point out the best part of this post: someone at SunTrust Bank thought it would be a great idea to hire a person to put on a panda suit and dance around all day long (literally – we took this picture right before the panda got off work, at 9pm or so) inside of an inflated snow globe at the DC Zoo with pop music playing in the background. On SunTrust’s ledgers, does this show up as an advertising expense? Or under community service? Or both???
January 18, 2010 at 5:38 pm
sarahlolson
Abby, thank you, friend. Thank you.
angie f, I am 100% behind you. And I’m going to quote you on this excellent, excellent point: “And even on my most labored and truly awkward runs, I don’t want to imagine myself traveling with a jolting pace or motion.” Genius. And so true.
Lynnette, thank you for even being satisfied by a relationship update from me. I, of course, love to talk about it. And WUP? Amazing. “Eunice? That’s a person named Eunice?”
Adam Findley, way to start my morning off with a seriously thoughtful compliment. I’m going to pretend everything you said is true.
SASmylie, oh good goo. I am glad to share and stir. It is one of my favorite things. And “comfortable uncertainty” — that is well said.
Living in Zion, this was for you, of course. Of course. “Way better than any soap opera” should be the new AS subheading. Clearly.
sister, I love that you thought to ask an 8-year-old boy if he wanted to read my post. Who said the AS isn’t for everyone??
smylies, “okay” with me writing things like this? He BEGS me to. “Please, PLEASE share with the world our love.” His eyes get so big. I had to comply.
nakiru, so true re the fighting. Even saying the word “fighting” makes me feel like I’ve acknowledged defeat. I sometimes wonder: Why are we having this conversation? Then I realize: Oh yeah, I care what he thinks. And that he thinks that what I think is sane and good. I care.
Sharon, you remember my McKay essay? I can’t tell you how complimentary/scary that is. Maybe you’ve noticed–I’m still talking about the same things… Also, I love that Manfriend’s dating moved through the grapevine. I feel a great deal of kinship with those other women. Maybe that should be a post of its own. But then, maybe it shouldn’t.
Rachel, sister! We’re not going to be on Long Island for nearly any satisfying length of time. It’s actually a New York City trip. BUT we want to see you for your birthday. And see An and Jos and Bek and M & D, etc. So we’ll make arrangements. Can you hold Saturday evening for us? Let’s talk. I love you and your dancing and your LM Montgomery ways. I really, really do.
Kahalia, I love your comment. Of course I held stuff back! Much and much and much. But the above stuff–that is a true depiction of the real life of Sarah and Manfriend. The other stuff–that’s for him and me to negotiate. And we are. We are.
Shandi, amen. Thank you for saying so well what I meant but ran right by. I love seeing you around, virtually and in person.
Adam Findley, way to stand up for yourself. I love it. But I’ll bet smylies still thinks I romanticized it. My money’s on that…
Petra, hooray! I forgot about that! And maybe I’ll get to meet your husband? I have tried to imagine what he is like, and I have all kinds of guesses. Another reason to love California, you are.
Katie, this is one of my favorite comments of all time. I love when the AS brings couples together. Really, I do. It’s my favorite thing.
Mercedes, you seem comfortable with disagreement in a way that I am not. Not yet? Or not. I think it’s very Christ-like of you. I’m working on it. Or hoping it will just go away…
lisapior, you’re probably right. But also–she was such a pill. It took me a while to see that. But now I watch her and think, “Seriously, Anne? Don’t be such a pill.” Still I love her.
Louise, Manfriend wanted to be in the bubble. I think if he could have figured out a way to persuade the panda to let us in, he would have. He settled for laughing and clapping and dancing outside. Notice his smile.
Manfriend, you win! This post was really just an excuse for me to post this picture of the panda. If you get a tattoo of us, can this be it?
January 18, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Steve
We live in Missouri just an hour north of a very nice resort in Arkansas, Eureka Springs. If you want two birds with one stone, you could stop by and see us on the way there / back.
January 18, 2010 at 7:23 pm
allysha
One should never ever give up their inner Anne Shirley. This is such a nice story. From my own limited and selfish point of view, I hope it lasts and lasts and lasts.
January 18, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Kelly
Hooray for Anne Shirley. “Oh Diana– You are my BOOSOM friend!!” Because she was so dramatic it made that part of me seem ok– great post.
worst advice I ever got- never go to bed angry. sometimes you’re just pooped and can find the humor in it after a good snooze.
January 18, 2010 at 11:48 pm
Tiffany Gee Lewis
Sarah,
Finishing any post with a quote from “What’s Up, Doc?” is always a good idea.
So is dating Manfriend. From what you describe, I totally approve.
January 19, 2010 at 2:03 am
Sarah (of the Aunts Sarah)
I remember when David and I were dating and someone made the comment at the store along the lines of “you have a very nice husband”, I just went with it and thought A) this has never happened before and B) SWEET! Y’all must have a beautiful relationship. I’m so glad you’re happy.
January 19, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Christina
I find your update refreshingly refreshing…and hopeful. I know that when we are in love we romanticize things, but that’s what I love about love! Being in love, regardless of where it ultimately leads, is a glorious thing! I love basking in the glow. Because, hey, if I can’t be in that little bubble of love myself, I sure as heck want to see people I just plain adore in that bubble (or standing just outside it,either one).
Also, What’s Up Doc? Best. Comedy. Ever. And it’s where my blog got its name. Who doesn’t love Eunice?
January 21, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Melissa Sonksen
Sarah…. just JUMP !!!!
Been in any good parades lately? We have an opening for St. Patrick’s Day, are you in????
March 28, 2010 at 11:24 pm
Jed and Sarah, Plain and Tall « {Beta…}
[…] but then half way through I’d say, “Jed bing bong bing,” without realizing I’d done it. One day I wrote about Jed and how much I like him, and that afternoon I asked him what he thought about it. I was hoping […]
June 28, 2011 at 11:27 pm
Rachel O.
But now you do! You DO know you’re getting married!!!!!!!!! 🙂 This post is about 50 times as delightful as it already was for that fact!!!!! My goodness. This world. Thank you very much for it. Love, Rachel
P.S. He he! I just couldn’t resist!