Sarah
A couple of weeks ago, Manfriend finally asked the question. “Sarah,” he said, “what are your love languages?”
Love languages, if you don’t know this already, is a shorthand way of referring to a set of theories by a guy who says, essentially, there are five different ways to show love: physical affection, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. These are the five love languages. We each preference a language or two, meaning we’re more likely to communicate our love for people in one or two particular languages (e.g., by saying the words “I love you,” by hugging, by doing the dishes, etc.) than we are to love people equally with all five. In return, we’re each more likely to notice love that is shown to us in a love language we prefer. In other words, we’re a little dense.
For example, if I’m an acts of service lover, then you may literally be saying to me “I love you” every single time we see each other—”How are you? I love you. For dinner, can we have pizza salad? I love you”—but if you’re not doing acts of service for me, I may still not feel loved. Irrational, you might say. You are loved. Nevertheless.
The love languages theory is useful but not perfect. For instance, just about everybody I know hears the theory and then says, “Wait—I think I’m all of the love languages.” Truer than not, I’d wager. But the love languages guy does have a point: for some reason—both nature and nurture, I’d guess—we like to be told we’re loved in some ways more than others. This turns out to matter.
Because of a dutiful sister who has long LOVED the love languages, this gift from a friend on my 27th birthday, and too much time thinking about myself, when Manfriend asked, I was ready. “Physical affection, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service. In that order.”
“Oh,” he said. And he took my hand.
But Manfriend, it turns out, is not those same love languages in that order. My sister called it, after spending a weekend with us. “Your love languages are different,” she said. “He’s quality time and acts of service. You’re words of affirmation and physical affection.” (For some reason, people always think I’m mostly words of affirmation. For some reason. Which maybe I would agree with if I weren’t always craving to have my back scratched.)
We’re working this out. The other night when Manfriend was away in Boston, I sat in my room missing him and wondering what he would do if he were me. I thought of something. An act of service, turns out. (Why didn’t I think of it on my own?) So I did it. And when he came home, he was so delighted, he sent me a text with words of affirmation. I was so delighted, I wanted to kiss him. I caught myself.
Kiss him, Sarah, do. But then also vacuum his car.
I’ll be a multi-lingual lover yet.
The Apron Stage 
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November 9, 2009 at 9:25 am
living in zion
Thus begins the tricky descent into the tunnel of love. Keep the safety bar in the locked position and your seat belt tightly secured. This ride will a bumpy one.
It is a very positive sign that you and your Manfriend are both aware of the love language lingo. I wish that book existed years ago when my husband and I were newlyweds. It would have helped us so much in our weak attempts to manipulate each other. Don’t be shocked – love is a form of manipulation. We all try to influence each other, conforming our desires and behavior to win acceptance, control. etc. It is not a bad thing. That is what is cool about the Love Language idea. It takes the guess work out.
My husband is a typical guy – Physical affection, Words of affirmation, Acts of service. I am Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Physical affection. That is close enough we can pay attention to the situation and change midstream if a chosen approach isn’t cutting it.
Congrats that both of you are fluent in the language of love.
November 9, 2009 at 10:11 am
smylies
I once told a boyfriend about this and he said it was stupid. Said it was stupid that we should have to think about how we’re loving. Of course, at some point we did stop loving each other.
November 9, 2009 at 10:15 am
Amanda
This should be required reading before any breakup. Or maybe prior to any relationship.
Once I figured out that all my husband cared about was himself, it was much easier. Even he says, “Well, if I don’t look out for me, who will?” Many are shocked by this and wonder how it can possibly work, but work it does. I show love by doing acts of service and he feels loved by having acts of service done for him. See? Win-win.
November 9, 2009 at 10:19 am
beckarecka
The biggest take-a-way from the book is that the Golden Rule is not what we think. It is not do unto others because that is what you would want. It is do unto others because that is what they would want.
What works best-in spite of what they tell me on the spot-is to gauge the reactions I get to my interpretation of each language. Sounds like you’re doing great Sarah.
November 9, 2009 at 10:36 am
meredith
I really enjoyed this post! I like that your “manfriend” wanted to know how to best show you he loves you, and that he immediately took your hand when he found out affection was top on your list. So sweet.
As for me, my language has changed since children came along. ACTS OF SERVICE. Do the dishes, put the kids to bed, give me a couple of hours by myself, surprise me by finding a babysitter and planning a spontaneous date. I’ve gotten all of these in the last 2 weeks, so I guess he loves me!
November 9, 2009 at 10:45 am
nakiru
Ah, the complications of relationship after, as you so aptly stated “too much time thinking about myself.” When you’re single later in your twenties (and I guess maybe some of you super self-aware younger singles) you know yourself inside and out. I know that if I know I’m going to have a rough workday, I want to run before work. I know that if I had an unexpected rough workday, I will want to run (possibly again) after work. I know that there are certain times when keeping me away from the chocolate muffins is useless, and other times that I want someone to say “Sheesh, Coral. Haven’t you already had 3?” But will someone else know that implicitly? Not unless he’s a mind reader.
I am very like Sarah in the beginning of a relationship. Physical affection, words of affirmation, and then a tie between quality time and acts of service. In that order. But as I slip into comfort with someone and the quality time is a given, acts of service start to slip up to words of affirmation level.
Of course, one of the other sticky points of long singledom (perhaps more related to life without roommates, which you folks don’t seem to do) is my liking my house just so, and I find it ruins your act of service in making me dinner if I have to respond by declaring my kitchen in a state of National Emergency. I would say cleaning up the kitchen after yourself might be Love Language of its own, to me at least.
So question – how much do you all think our love languages have to do with a) our parents’ love languages to each other and b) our parent’s love langauges to us?
(I am going to shut up now. And go to my morning meeting. Hehe.)
November 9, 2009 at 10:03 am
Manfriend
You notice and remember little things that I do that seem kind, even when in some cases they were not intentional – but you interpret them that way, in the most generous possible light – and then you share them with the world. I can’t imagine a better incentive for me to actually be as kind as you think I am.
(the downside – and upside? – of interacting through a blog is that it limits you to one love language; downside if you want to use a different one in the moment, upside if it helps remind you to use a primary love language of your target audience)
November 9, 2009 at 10:04 am
Shauna
Nakiru’s question is an interesting one. I’ll have to ponder on that for a while. My first thought is that both a and b are important in how we develop our love languages — even if it means that we develop the opposite of what we saw/experienced.
Sarah, I just love you. I really enjoy your posts — your insightful way of thinking about things, and your delightful way of expressing your thoughts.
My husband and I hadn’t ever heard of love languages per se in our early years of marriage (maybe the book wasn’t even around back then), but one of us had heard of a little exercise that accomplishes the same thing — we each wrote down our top three favorite ways to show love, and our top three ways to have love shown to us. Then we compared lists. It was very eye openning. Every now and then I think that we ought to do it again, since many years have passed, and our lives have evolved. Like having 5 more kids. In fact, I’m not even sure if I know my own love languages right now without giving it more thought. . . Thank you for making me think about it!!
November 9, 2009 at 10:52 am
sarahlolson
living in zion, fluency is beyond us. But we are working on it. I think you’re right–one of the real values of being aware of this love languages dynamic is it means that, if we’re paying attention, then we have other things to try if our first tack is not working out. (Note: Your comment re love being manipulation has already sparked a g-chat conversation between Manfriend and me. Way to be provocative.)
smylies, oh good. I was afraid you were going to say, “And then that boyfriend became my husband.” Not think about how we’re loving?? What is this guy thinking about in church? Levi rocks.
Amanda, you pegged it. I am shocked and I do wonder how it works. But I’m glad at least you feel like he can feel your love. Sometimes I worry that I’m selfish enough I won’t even feel the love of people when they’re legitimately giving it to me because, it turns out maybe, that receiving love well is a loving thing to do.
beckarecka, re the takeaway: totally. Though I’d probably characterize it as “Do unto others as they would do unto you, as long as that way is loving.” Can you say more gauging reactions? I’m not sure what you mean but I want to. It sounds totally useful.
meredith, don’t be fooled by Manfriend’s comment below. He is sweet and gifted at loving. As evidenced by the fact that he shows it (apparently) without noticing. Also, your second paragraph is beautiful. I read it at least twice, slowly, appreciating the generosity of such a good husband. Clearly, he loves/is loving you.
nakiru, I’m delighted to see/read you. As usual, your comment contains the idea for a better post than the one I wrote. This idea about dating in our late twenties? A great point. Very different. I’m going to have to consider. Re your parent questions: it MUST have an effect, right? It must. But I don’t know much about my parents’ love languages to each other. Probably acts of service both. Some quality time on my dad’s side. I have nothing insightful to say, even. Now that I’m thinking about it. Let me mull. Everyone–mull. Then weigh in. This is a good q. Thanks, n.
Manfriend, I’m hoping your parenthetical was your way of saying you really wish you could wash my car right now. And by wash my car, I really hope you mean kiss me. Want to meet for lunch?
Shauna, I love that you did a LL experiment even before Mr. Love Languages made beaucoup bucks preaching it. I think Meredith’s point is encouragement for you two to do it again–I imagine our LLs will change over time. In some ways, yes? Life unfolds. So does love. So do we.
November 9, 2009 at 11:46 am
Louise Plummer
What a useful book. I had to slog through years of marriage unconscious of the language of love. I used to like flowers and poetry , but now it’s definitely service. Tom likes to have his head rubbed until he falls asleep at night. I do this almost every night. He likes back rubs, foot rubs and so on. It makes my skin crawl to have someone rubbing my back or feet. I have to think of Tom as a dog: lots of physical affection and “What a good boy; oh you’re a good boy.” I wish I had been more willing to do this for him years ago.
November 9, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Shandi
Sarah,
For some strange reason I have been avoiding reading this book for the last couple of years. You’ve now given me a reason to…Thanks!
November 9, 2009 at 12:09 pm
lisapior
My love language is reader comments on my blog posts. That and chocolate. If you could figure out a way to combine those two, I’d be in heaven.
November 9, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Adam Findley
Random, but thanks Sarah for finally showing me how to spell ‘beaucoup’ properly so I can use the *finally* phrase ‘beaucoup bucks’ in written language. Seriously I’ve been trying to figure that out for forever.
November 9, 2009 at 1:15 pm
beckarecka
RE: gauging
Lavish, over-the-top gushing. For something not particularly meriting such commendation. (see manfriend comment)
Frequent requests/statements for something revolving in that language spectrum.
Lack of response for something meriting commendation.
Giving choices to lovee.
Helpful? I hope so. It took me seven years of tweaking. But, if it doesn’t work for you, it’s working for us! Happy hunting!
November 9, 2009 at 1:20 pm
EHS
haha. My father-in-law gave us three copies of this book when my husband and I were dating. It was a big step in the relationship when we moved from 5 Love Languages for Singles to 5 Love Languages for Married Couples. Great stuff, but I didn’t stop making fun of it for a long time (still haven’t, obviously). Self-help books–that’s my husband’s love language. And it must be learnable, because I’ve since pushed my way through 7 Habits for Highly Effective People, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, and even parts of the Feeling Good Handbook. That’s love.
November 9, 2009 at 1:51 pm
living in zion
Louise,
Your Tom and my Rob must be from the same litter. I had the same experience as you – I wasted the first decade of marriage not understanding the importance of the well-placed “Good Boy!” and head scratch. For our marriage it really is that easy.
November 9, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Miggy
Gifts?!? Isn’t anyone a gifts love language person? I am.
And here’s the problem with that love language {gifts, then quality time–which can be the same thing sometimes, the affection} is that if you’re a gifts person there is this idea that you’re materialistic. I think it’s sometimes looked down upon like the least nobel love language. Well I don’t care, I still like gifts.
Also, I have a hard time with the ‘acts of service’ one… because to me we both live in this house and we both should take some responsibility to it’s up keep…therefore doing the dishes isn’t something I consider a nice and thoughtful thing to do, but rather a shared responsibility. I think other acts of service would count in my book, but not the general and shared household chores. Thoughts?
November 9, 2009 at 4:53 pm
lisapiorczynski
Miggy, great comment.
Receiving a gift that says, “I know you so well that I found you something that you never knew you always wanted” delights me to no end. As does receiving something that I said in passing I needed. It just shows that the person who loves you is paying attention to the details. And I’m into details.
I also love giving perfect gifts. Again, finding something that shows the person that I’ve been listening to them and I hear them when they comment that they’ve always wanted to buy that book or try that bakery.
That being said Christmas stresses me out. I don’t like having a deadline for finding the right thing.
November 9, 2009 at 5:21 pm
sarahlolson
Louise, yes, useful. But also, pretty lame reading. Can you write a post about all the things you didn’t do in the early years of marriage that you ended up doing later and you wish you’d done all along? I’d rather stand on the shoulders of giants than, you know, not.
Shandi, maybe don’t still. The singles one drove me bonkers–and was unnecessarily lame and redundant (I thought). His major insight is summarized above (hooray!). Unless, you love the self help stuff like EHS’s husband… Then read away. Love is always good to invest in.
Lisa, I’m working on it. Maybe we could pitch it to google and they could come up with something?
Adam, “beaucoup to do” was one of my sister’s favorite things to say. Or was it mine. Anyway, beaucoup is a good one. Also, it took me many years to figure out that “whores de vore” (which is how I read in my head “hors d’oeuvres”) was the same thing as “or durves.” Glad I could be there for a like moment of reconciliation for you.
beckarecka, perfect. This option-giving thing? Genius. I can only imagine its utility. Beginning today, I’ma start practicing. I’m a better lover/human already.
EHS, you are generous. Acts of service lover for sure.
living in zion, that scratching thing sounds like me (though the “good boy” maybe fits less). Perhaps I have more in common with dogs than I’d like to admit?
Miggy, I am a gifts person, but only lesserly. I think. And I think you’re right–I do feel superiorly about it. That being said, I love giving good gifts and I hate receiving bad ones. Clearly, it is important to me. Maybe I should face my own self and deal honestly: Yes, I am needy in all five languages. Turns out.
Lisa, I heart Christmas. But I refuse to be bound by the timeline. A placeholder day of (can of soup?) and a great gift two months later: totally works for me. (Thankfully, not many of my closest are gift love receivers.) (Although after Miggy’s comment, maybe we’ll have to reevaluate.)
November 9, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Erika
Great post, Sarah. I love that you are having these conversations, and that my approval of Manfriend is growing weekly via blogposts (not that my opinion matters in the least, but I know that you deserve someone incredible). I’m still hoping that the man of my dreams will show up and want to speak to me in English let alone my love language. I’m ready to deliver all kinds of love in whatever dialect he chooses.
I do think our parents’ love languages have an impact on our understanding of how to show and recognize love. Physical affection and words of affirmation would likely be at the top for me. That may be because I did not often see my parents giving those things to each other, even though they are still going strong after 43 years. Or maybe it’s because I’m in my thirties and in the middle of a drought. However, if Mr. Right showed up and wanted to do my dishes, spend time with me or give me something fabulous, I would not complain…at least for awhile.
November 9, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Elizabeth
Sarah, love this post. The battle between the potential for awkwardly oversimplified stereotypes of the “men101/guide to intimacy/dating for dummies” genre versus its potential ah-ha utility is a deep vein.
Here’s a question: “How To” books for wedding-night newlyweds: Yea or No Way? My husband and I took the plunge a few months ago, and during our engagement he suggested my OB’s anatomy review might be insufficient for a girl whose first kiss was at age 20. Turns out the book was very, very oversufficient, but at least amusingly full of deconstructible assumptions about women’s wifely duties. (The “Aprons as Aphrodisiac” chapter was my personal favorite!)
Lisa? Rebecca? Did you read one? Would you write one?
November 9, 2009 at 7:03 pm
a dutiful sister
It’s true, despite the limited writing and cutesy book covers (even in its revised edition), I’m an ever increasing fan of the love languages concept. And I’m a fan of Sarah and her ability to reach out in every love language. When she and Manfriend visited over a recent weekend, they both covered all the bases: Sarah and Manfriend arrived carrying bags of Trader Joe’s goodies [gifts] and willingly spent two days straight inside (even around one swine-flu sick child)–laughing over Brian Regan and registering for the new Family Search [quality time]; Manfriend cheerfully washed just about every dish over the weekend and silently fixed a random broken cabinet [acts of service]; Sarah gave me continual massages [I’m physical touch first]; and yet, they still made us feel like it was their privilege to be with us [words of affirmation]. Amazing.
I do think that when a person’s primary love language is met, then all of the other love languages speak to that person, which is what makes love/romance magical; but when a person’s primary love language isn’t met, then it can be difficult to feel loved. I’ve appreciated this concept, because then I can interpret the way a person shows love as love, even if it is shown in a way I might not naturally appreciate. More importantly, it helps me to show love in way others recognize. Five love languages for visiting teachers could be a bestselling sequel.
Louise, the “good boy” comment makes me laugh out loud whenever I think of it. I’m not sure I want my husband thinking “good girl,” but if it means he’ll remember to rub my feet every single night, I’m for.
November 9, 2009 at 7:11 pm
nakiru
I guess now that the day is over I can weigh in again, right? It’s like a whole new day, with new comments and thoughts. 🙂
I have been pondering today and have come to the conclusion that much of my love languages are from both what I saw in my parents and what they offered me. My mom offers my dad a lot of physical affection, and my dad gives my mom words of affirmation and gifts. Sometimes I suspect that in the beginning he was more of a gift-giver than she was a gift-receiver, but now that they’ve been together for nearly 30 years, I can see how that is an important love language to her, both from him and from us kids.
With regards to us kids, we are a very affectionate family, but I would say that the words of affirmation were my big take home. We said “I love you” a lot, and I remember my horror (as a words of affirmation person) at a friend of mine casually telling me that her boyfriend (live-in) didn’t like to say “I love you” because he felt like it cheapened the expression. They broke up. Obviously. Hmm. I just de-railed myself. I was trying to say that because my family showed me love by affirming me, it is one of the most recognizable forms of love to me.
November 9, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Kathryn
To “a dutiful sister”, right on. As long as your primary language of love is met, you can feel loved.
I also think that some people are just not particularly capable of expression in some of the languages of love (ie nakiru’s friend’s boyfriend who didn’t like to say “I love you”). I think we can learn to speak other languages of love, but sometimes, sometimes, it’s just not possible. Some of us are gifted linguists, others… not so much. And maybe that’s part of what dating is about, not only learning what we do and don’t like, but also what we can and can’t learn.
Some of those lessons I’ve learned, others I’m still battling with. Hence, I suppose, the dating must continue.
November 9, 2009 at 10:04 pm
AnnaBeth
A few years ago I instituted Sunday Night Foot Rub and my amazingly dutiful husband just hopped on board. Some Sundays he grabs the foot lotion before I’ve even thought about it. That probably says a lot about our love languages. He totally rocks.
November 9, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Sarah6
Disclaimer: The following comment is more in regards to Friday’s post than today’s (although, I’m a big fan of the love language topic).
I just wanted to be sure to thank you four AMAZING women for putting together such lovely and thoughful posts once a week. It makes my day and I laugh at, chew on and call old roommates over these topics daily. You make me smile! As a readership, we’ve got to come up with some type of incentive to keep you here for a very long time:) THANK YOU! How I so look forward to your posts.
As to the love languages, I really agree with you Louise and Lisa, think Levi is the lucky man Rebecca and am so happy for any woman to have a manfriend to be learning this with. Hooray for you four!
Sarah
November 10, 2009 at 8:14 am
sarahlolson
I should respond to each of you, but it’s morning and I need to get stuff done, and I want to say at least this to dutiful sister:
Thank you, Sneaka. I love you so much. I’ll get better at showing it. I’m trying, at least. It is a privilege to be able to love you.
(And Manfriend and I loved our weekend with you. How many times did he pull me aside and say “this is fun” while we were there? At least 3. No joke. He loves you too.)
November 16, 2009 at 6:10 am
Dad
Dutiful sister, I have also discovered that one love language is the gateway language that is needed to open the gate to the other love languages so that other ones are also appreciated. When my wife sees me perform acts of service, even service to other people, she then recognizes expressions in other languages of love and feels a desire to reciprocate.
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