Note: I’m narcissistic enough to be bored when other people tell me their dreams, unless I’m in them.  If you feel as I do, forgive me.  Unless you are one of the people in this dream.  Then call me.  CALL ME.

I had a dream once in which I was dating the most attractive man I could imagine.  I remember thinking in my dream, “Wow, this is the most attractive man I can imagine.”  He was tall.  He was broad shouldered.  He was wearing a suit.  He smiled at me.  I was impressed I’d come up with him.

In my dream, I was carrying a big baby on my hip.  As is typical in my dreams, I was somehow responsible for the baby, but the baby wasn’t mine.  It wasn’t my boyfriend’s either.

In my dream, my suit-wearing, broad-shouldered, tall boyfriend smiled at me.  He wanted to talk.  He lifted me up, and I remember being carried, while still carrying the baby, and thinking to myself, “Wow.  Now this guy is even more attractive to me.  I didn’t know that was possible.”

My boyfriend carried me into the hallway, set me and the baby down, and then looked at me earnestly.  “I am in love with your mother,” he said.  He explained that what he and my mother had was real and that it would—wait for it—mean that he and I could be together forever.

I was shocked and disgusted.  Having a boyfriend think he was in love with another woman would be one thing.  My dreamself thought that could be a forgivable lapse in judgment.  But telling me he was in love with my mother?  We couldn’t recover from that kind of crazy.

At this point, the baby started talking to me.  Pointing, maybe, more than talking.  Gesturing.  Psychically communicating to me where we should go.  As we exited the room, it hit me: though I didn’t know how it was going to happen, I knew that my dream would end with me being loved by a man that I was EVEN MORE attracted to than the boyfriend I’d just left.

In that moment, I was impressed—and a little incredulous—that my subconscious would be able to pull out someone I could be EVEN MORE attracted to than I had been to boyfriendman.  “Good luck,” I said to my dreamself.  “I have no idea how you’re going to top him.”

Baby started pointing again.  The pace picked up.  Baby directed me up a flight of stairs, around a corner, around another corner, and into a second-floor restaurant, where we found ourselves standing behind a hip-high wall, bedecked by large vases holding tall floral arrangements.  Someone was rounding the corner toward us.  And in that moment I knew—Sarahself and dreamself both knew—that whoever was coming was going to be THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MAN HUMANLY CONCEIVABLE, at least to me.  I was literally holding my breath.

The man turned the corner.  I hugged my baby tighter.  The man’s face came into view.  It was…Colin Firth!  He was Colin Firth!  THE MOST ATTRACTIVE MAN my subconscious brain could conceive of was Colin Firth!  I held my baby and laughed so hard I cried.  I thought, “In real life, I’m not even that attracted to Colin Firth.”  But I thought it was such a nice dreamself try.  A for effort, for sure, for sure.

Colin Firth!

*     *     *     *     *

Clearly my subconscious has been paying attention to what I’ve been watching all these years.