GUEST BLOGGER: JESSIE HAWKES
Jessie grew up on an island off the coast of Maine that didn’t have a grocery store. Now she takes advantage of living in a buzzing metropolis with a grocery store (Provo, UT) by trying her hand at new stuff to cook, especially ethnic vegetarian dishes. An avid rock climber, she has climbed all over the western U.S. and New England. Jessie is working on her undergrad degree majoring in English and minoring in German, and just finished a study abroad in Vienna. She has four brothers, two cool parents, a couple of fish, crazy awesome hair, and a beautiful voice with which she likes to sing in the shower.
Recently in Sunday School I heard an interesting idea. The teacher of the class (which happened to be about love and communication within relationships) told a story about his friends, recently married and living in San Francisco. For their wedding, they received a traditional Korean gift (they’re Korean—so the present wasn’t as random as it sounds). The gift was two miniature ducks, carved from wood. The couple would place the ducks on a mantle or shelf, and used them as a weather vane for their relationship.
Ducks facing each other: all was well. No misunderstandings, no hurt feelings. He was using enough dishsoap in the washer, she was folding the towels the right way, the dog was being fed—things were going smoothly.
However, a duck facing away: trouble. Someone’s hurt, upset, a little confused, feeling uncommunicated with. Maybe her back is sore today, maybe the radio was on too loud last night, maybe there were unkind words said in the car, maybe there was just a little problem with the tax receipts—but now, we’re all aware of it, thanks to the unassuming, unbiased ducks, and now, it can be solved.
Strange? Maybe a little. Visual representations of personal conflicts are always a bit uncomfortable. Think of the upside though: if I had my feelings hurt, but knew my (theoretical) husband was too busy to talk at the moment, how simple to sneak to the table and do a quick rearrangement of the Duck Creche, knowing that resolution would come quickly, at a better time for both of us. Also, ducks can’t gaze in spite; no hurtful words would need to be said to initiate the issue, it could just be a simple conversation. (“Sooo, the ducks are fortelling a little conflict, hmmm?” “You look happy tonight sweetheart, but the ducks tell another story…” Heh.) But seriously, no emotional elephants lurking in the corners of the living room. And maybe, just looking at the two, unassuming animals gazing in opposite directions would be enough to soften my perspective. Interesting, how when I am forced to take physical (and not just verbal) action on my inner feelings, I tend to adjust them. Are the dishes left in the sink really worthy of a duck adjustment? Probably not.
So, I haven’t scampered out to buy duck effigies yet, but I’m thinking about it! Meanwhile, I’ll just try to keep my duck facing in.
20 comments
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March 5, 2010 at 9:15 am
Nancy
My first reaction to “Are the dishes left in the sink really worthy of a duck adjustment?” was in thinking that if I had left the dishes and caused my husband to turn his duck, it would just be better to take care of the dishes. But I realized I also need to decide if his leaving the dishes is worthy of a duck adjustment… ‘dishes in the sink’ being the metaphor for anything else, of course. I hope that this thought, “Is this worth a duck adjustment?” pops into my mind when I am feeling upset about something! Mostly because it will make me smile to even think it 🙂
March 5, 2010 at 9:22 am
Sharon
“Interesting, how when I am forced to take physical (and not just verbal) action on my inner feelings, I tend to adjust them.”
So true for me! And so much better to pause and evaluate what I want my response to be rather than popping off and saying something that escalates the situation to actually meriting a duck adjustment.
This was funny because it made me remember that my parents got two wooden ducks when I was younger. I remember the thin glue line on the lady duck’s beak where a mishap with my brother had broken it. But that’s just it: we played with them on the end table and had never heard of using them as a relationship weather vane.
March 5, 2010 at 10:14 am
Kahalia
Ihave never heard of this tradition. Isn’t it intersting to see how other cultures handle conflict. i think it’s a really bright idea. Now only if I could find something a lot les ugly than these ducks I’d totally do it.
March 5, 2010 at 10:31 am
Louise Plummer
Oh I like this idea. You could stick one in his brief case, serve one on a platter, set the phone against a duck’s ear, make them kiss, put one in the driver’s seat, on the computer, float it in his bath, stick it in the fridge or on a bad day, hang one out in the garage with a rope around his neck.
I’ll bet it’s all been done.
March 5, 2010 at 11:14 am
Traci
I think, like almost all things in marriage, the choice to use the ducks as a helpful communication tool or one more harbinger of doom depends on the motives of the couple. As I thought about my ducks I considered the conversation that may arise later
“Traci, your duck is facing out… again”
“Dave, if you only knew how many times I have NOT turned my duck. Seriously. But really, if I just ignored my duck, like you do, then where would we be.”
“I ignore my duck?! Well, why shouldn’t I ignore my duck, every time I remember the dang ducks it leads to exactly this type of conversation!”
At least in my case, I’m not so sure I could handle the ducks, at least without using the word “duck” at some point in replacement of another word.
March 5, 2010 at 11:29 am
Andrea
I love reading this blog. I kind of invited myself, but the comments are as worthy of reading as the blogs are.
March 5, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Rachel
So, Jessie, I’ve got this brother who’s majoring in German, and he’s only got one duck too, and he likes girls who climb rocks, AND he’s at BYU . . .
March 5, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Tracy
I should preface this by saying that I am very much single; however, I do have six roommates, seven including me. So maybe living with six girls who all have different habits and different quirks is somewhat comparable to living with one man. I’ll have to get back to you on that.
I loved the last couple of lines. There is so much in life that could potentially offend and annoy and it is up to us to pick our battles. To ask, “Are the dishes left in the sink really worthy of a duck adjustment?” If the answer is yes, then that is something that should be resolved and not left to fester under the skin for too long. If the answer is no, then there’s no use fretting about it. Whether the ducks are used or not doesn’t really matter as long as this mentality is maintained. (Something easier said than done). But hey that’s why marriage isn’t a temporary thing. You get better at all of this in time. At least that’s what I’m hoping. I know I’ve gotten much better at it in the last three years even though I don’t have a husband to practice on.
March 5, 2010 at 12:43 pm
smylies
I admit, my first reaction was why don’t you just say, “Will you empty the dishes out of the sink?” The ducks struck me as a strange go-between, why not just be adult about it and communicate?
and as I was thinking that, I remembered that about 90 percent of the time I’m upset I compound my feelings by keeping it in, until I explode.
I’m getting ducks.
March 5, 2010 at 12:48 pm
Lisa
I’m with you, Louise. Why settle for just turning them out when you could get a whole lot more creative? That way, your spouse would know how gross a misdeed he’d done by how severe your retaliation on his duck was. And when it’s a REALLY hopeless cause, just cook the bird and be done with it.
Then again, if I tried that, I’d probably mistakenly grab my own duck, and my husband would worry for my mental health. (“Honey, I found your duck in the oven again. Are you feeling all right?”)
It seems that the ducks could be useful in relationships where one or both spouses has a hard time communicating about difficult things, but whenever possible, there is just no substitute for open, straightforward communication, in my opinion. Interesting ideas though—thanks, Jessie.
March 5, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Natalie Wardel
I love that! Husband and I are all about the content communication. Which means yes means yes ad no means no. So if someone says “do you want to go see a movie” and the other one is “yeeeahh…” then it is taken as yes. I think it helps!
March 5, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Evelyn
I especially love Louise & Lisa’s insight. Like Lisa noted, Louise’s ideas are perfect for helping the husband know how badly he’s offended his wife… what a perfect lead-in for the “let’s talk” conversation. The poor man will be shaking in his boots when he sees his duck hanging from a rafter in the garage as he returns from work!!
A friend’s mom had a similar, albeit very different, non verbal way of communicating issues with her husband. They had a neon sign made up of their names in a heart with an arrow through it (the classic Chris & Evelyn type combo) and whenever something was amiss, the light was turned off. When my friend got married she and her husband received a similar neon light. =)
March 5, 2010 at 1:30 pm
corktree
I love this! But…does it have to be ducks?
March 5, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Kelly P
Love the ducks, love the neon sign. My husband uses my diet coke consumprion as a baraometer. Too many Sonic cups laying around and all is not well… if there are none, well that’s even worse.
March 5, 2010 at 3:42 pm
sarahlolson
I don’t love this. I’ll be honest with you. There’s something about the duck idea–the movement, the lack of communication, the idea that I would go to a duck and turn it subtly or aggressively in the hopes that SOMEONE AND HE KNOWS WHO HE IS WILL NOTICE–I don’t know. It bothers me. But maybe that’s a testament more to my own fears about my own ability to be a soft-hearted duck turner than it is to the utility of the idea.
Passive aggressive. It seems passive aggressive to me.
But then, you always think I’m passive aggressive, don’t you.
That being said, I really really really believe that anything that helps couples to function well and talk more is a great great great thing.
I wish my comment had a duck pun in it.
March 5, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Kelly P
ps- Louise– in the garage with a rope around the neck? still laughing… I like you.
March 5, 2010 at 8:27 pm
living in zion
Sarah touched on why the ducks won’t work at my house. “Someone and he knows who he is – will notice.” Not at my house. I don’t think even a poor duck hanging in a dead man’s noose in the garage would garner a blink.
Not that I’m saying my man doesn’t pay attention. I’ m just saying he doesn’t notice anything, for good or bad unless it is pointed out to him. The good part is the house can be trashed and nary a peep from him. The bad part is the house can be clean and nary a peep from him. I have learned to tell him what good thing I have done, pointing out the effort worthy of praise. The same with the bad stuff. The good news is once he’s pointed in the right direction, he reacts with the proper emotion. He’s just a guy who was trained early in life not to go looking for trouble.
Those poor ducks in our house would dry up and become sawdust from neglect on our shelf.
March 6, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Laurel C.
I lived in Seoul, South Korea for 2 years while my husband did an assignemtn with the Air Force. These ducks are called “Korean Wedding Ducks” and are presented to couples as part of the traditional Korean wedding ceremony. I have a set of these ducks from my time in Korea. They range from very large carvings to simple touristy ones. I think they are lovely.
The background to this custom is this: women in Korea do not enjoy the freedoms that us American women do. They are usually silent partners in a marriage and aren’t empowered to speak freely. Often, the only way a Korean woman can let her husband know that she’s ticked off is to turn her duck away. To me, the Korean Wedding Ducks are a constant reminder of the liberties and freedoms that we enjoy as women here in America, but probably don’t even know we have. How lucky we are to live in a free country that [mostly] empowers and values women. What did Oprah say about this? “If you’re going to be a woman, the best place to do it is in America?” Very true.
March 6, 2010 at 1:22 pm
Christian Bell
I like the duck idea. Very interesting. Although I would fear finding my duck–after a big fight–with pins sticking in it, or maybe having “JERK!” spray painted on it or the head cut off or something.
March 7, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Kelly
Laurel—Thanks for your comment. I was thinking the ducks were kind of passive aggressive, but with the help of a little cultural context, I see them much differently now.
Jessie—What a wonderful surprise to find you here! I knew your family when you were just a baby (your mom was the best girls’ camp leader). I always feel a silly sense of pride when I encounter people from Maine out in the rest of the world. Hope all is well with your parents.