Sarah, who has not read any Twilight and who had not watched any of the movies until this past Wednesday, when she was changed forever

NOTE: This post includes spoilers.  In the off chance that you aren’t one of the nine babillion people who read the books or saw the movie, I thought I’d, you know, warn you.

NOTE 2: You can read each sentence of the above note in at least two ways.

Wow.  Cool title graphics.  That moon is cool—and it turns black.  As it should.  I’m glad the producers remembered that the new moon is the moon when we can’t see it (unlike almost all of the postermakers/advertisers).  Maybe these moviemakers have sense I wasn’t expecting.

Opening sequence.  That girl from the tabloids in an open field.  She’s calling herself Grandma.  There’s a mirror.  I get it—she’s scared to get old when her boyfriend is a “seventeen”-year-old hottie.  I don’t think she needs to worry.  From the tabloids, her boyfriend is partying pretty hard; he’s going to look old soon too.

Wait.  There’s the surprisingly buff guy everyone’s been talking about—the Native guy who worked out so much they couldn’t dismiss his ripped abs from the cast.  What’s the deal with his nasty long-haired wig?  I hope it goes away soon.  That could really get in the way of my appreciation of these historic abs.

Oh—there are other vampires?  Besides the perfect one everyone’s been blogging about for years?  How do I know if a person is a vampire?  Wait, I get it.  The vampires are the well dressed ones with the sophisticated/overly manicured coifs.  If that main girl becomes a vampire, will she dress better too?

Whoa!  Enter the shirtless men.  And how.  I think, yes—I just saw it.  The main girl paused in the middle of a sentence, distracted by the buffness of the shirtless man (boy?) in front of her.  How old is he supposed to be again?  And why does Hollywood think it’s okay for grown women to ogle him?

The wig is gone! Thank goodness.

Good goo that’s a buff man.

And WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE JEAN SHORTS?  Someone somewhere in Forks is making bank on jean shorts.

Where’s Edward?  So much hype about him and her and his perfectness—and all I’ve seen him do is throw her across the room and into a table.  Oh, and say a couple indescribably vacuous statements about his love for her.  Really?  This is what men worry women want men to say to them?

Maybe I should leave the movie.  Is something interesting supposed to be happening?

Or maybe this movie would be better with more Edward.  And fewer moments of that girl intentionally doing stupid things.

Wait.  I take that back.  Now Edward is back—but he’s the one doing stupid things.  I get it, I get it.  Romeo and Juliet.  He’s going to kill himself because he thinks she’s dead—but she’s not!  Which he should know!  If, that is, he’d been paying attention at all to all the Romeo & Juliet foreshadowing that played out in the one moment in which anyone in this movie did anything at all like the high school student they’re supposed to be.  i.e. Went to class.

Dakota Fanning!  Dakota Fanning is a vampire!  And almost an adult!

Back in Forks.  Edward too.  Some awesome lines.  When did this become a comedy?

One last showdown with the shirtless wonder.  How long is this movie?  Don’t love her, Jacob.  You’re 16.  And did you notice—your rating with her went UP when she found out you were a monster?  She’s weird.  Also, overrated.  Tell me again why men love her?  Or why women love him?  Or why people love this movie?  Or why those teenage girls in front of us are glaring at me when I laugh?  Or why this movie had the third-highest grossing opening weekend of all moviesEVERsince the dawn of time??

It’s official.  It’s over.  And I didn’t like it.

Maybe I’m not a girl.

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