Saturday morning, I had a talk with my father. “Have I told you what my brother Tony once taught me about love?” he said to me. We were talking on the phone, of course. He had just finished painting the family bathroom in preparation for Thanksgiving. Among our many lovely guests will be Manfriend. The family wants to put its best bathroom forward.
I couldn’t remember what Dad’s brother Tony once taught Dad about love.
“He was engaged to this woman. Karen Garff. And one day she disappeared. They had been spending every day together, but one day, he called her, and she didn’t answer. She avoided him. Later he found out she’d been seeing someone else. He was heartbroken. That’s why he went to Europe.
“My parents didn’t want him to go alone, so they sent me. That’s why I went to Europe before my mission.
“While we were there, he said to me, ‘Jeff, I’m going to tell you the difference between good missionaries and great missionaries. Good missionaries will come to love the people they teach. And there will be a moment in which the good missionaries will look into the eyes of the people they teach and love—and the missionaries will know that the people they’re teaching know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. And the people being taught will know that the missionaries know that they, the people being taught, know that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. But the next time those good missionaries come to the door of those people, they may find that all of the pamphlets they’d given them are stacked on the doorstep. The Book of Mormon they gave them may be on the doorstep too. There may be a note that says We Never Want to See You Again. And when that happens, the missionaries’ hearts will break.
‘But if those good missionaries are great missionaries, they will go home and will try to love again. They will try to be open to the next people they teach, and love them too, even though they were hurt by the people they taught and loved before.’”
My father was quiet on the phone for a moment. Then he said, “This was beautiful to hear when I could see that Tony was himself trying to prepare his heart to be able to love again.”
They say (and by “they” I mean God) that perfect love casteth out all fear. I’m realizing that I’ve been thinking the inevitable consequence of love is that fear goes. That perfect love—if it is, in fact, perfect love—will body check fear, and like a mother hen, with wide hips and broad wings, take over the roost. And maybe that’s true.
But maybe sometimes we need to push fear out. We need to push fear out—to let love in.
Yeah.
One of these days I’ll write a post that’s just plain funny. I promise.
34 comments
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November 16, 2009 at 12:43 am
Carole
One thing I’ve had to realize (and I’ve come to this realization more recently than I’d care to admit) is that every man I meet is a comletely different person from all the other men I’ve ever known and, more to the point, dated. So he can’t be held accountable for the way any of those other guys may have treated me.
So when I feel the fear creeping into a relationship, I have to remind myself that no matter how many times I’ve had my heart broken, this guy has never broken my heart.
It’s so easy (and actually quite satisfying) sometimes to just throw your hands up and say “Men! They’re all the same!” But the thing is, they’re just not.
Will this be the first time Manfriend has met your whole family all at once?
November 16, 2009 at 1:48 am
Heather
Such a great story! You have more of them than is fair for one person.
Someone wise used to say to me when I was upset, “OK Heather, what is the worst that could happen?” And then he would sit with me and make me talk it out, all of the plan B’s and C’s and what would I do next? Face the darkness, what I thought were my worst nightmares, and find out that it wouldn’t be so bad. And in doing that, and learning to trust and love myself again, I could begin to love others as well. It’s such hard work. I think it’s a lifetime of work, once you realize that there is no True Perfect Love from another human being. But it is part of the business of living, and must be done.
“Rain, after all is only rain; it is not bad weather. So also, pain is only pain; unless we resist it, then it becomes torment.” I Ching
November 16, 2009 at 6:51 am
Brohammas
Love may body check fear, but fear is huge and reall good on skates… Fear doesnt really go away, love just makes the scary game worth playing.
November 16, 2009 at 8:38 am
Amanda
When my little sister had her first kiss, and of course, first subsequent heart break, I sat her down and said, “Katie, when I broke up with boyfriend 0.0, I was crushed… heartbroken… totally in the depths of despair. I understand how you are feeling. But Boyfriend 0.0 was ‘so-and-so.'”
She looked at me, wrinkled up her nose, almost vomited and said, “Oh goodness. At least my boyfriend 0.0 wasn’t THAT bad.”
Wait and see, little sister, wait and see.
The point being that fear, and heart break, in the moment, are terrifying and huge and overwhelming. But time, good ol’ time, often finds humor (or some other coping mechanism) to replace terror.
While the memory of the pain will never go away, somehow we learn to breathe again, and with each new breath, comes the ability to love again.
November 16, 2009 at 9:23 am
nakiru
I would love to hear from Lisa on this. Maybe because something in her and Tagg’s love story rings pretty true in my life right now. How much and how soon do we let perfect love cast out fear when the rejection came from the one who is asking us to let the perfect love in again? (Sorry for the inarticulate. Perhaps you clever ladies will be able to interpret anyway.)
Sorry once again to hijack as well, but I was struck by this post’s pertinence to loss in the form of death, as well. Perfect love casts out fear. When I read that passage in John (I read the New King James) I am struck by its context. “Because HE is, so are we in this world.” Even though we all lose people our hearts believe they cannot live without, our hope sustains us, our belief in a future for them and for us (and for them and us together) allows us to turn to the next person and love them with the same passion, holding nothing of our wounded hearts back. This truly comforts me.
November 16, 2009 at 9:29 am
Meredith
My dad was engaged to someone else before my mom. After being apart for part of a summer, he called the girl up one afternoon. She answered the phone excitedly with, “Hi Steve!” My dad’s name is John. Ouch. Major ouch. He says that was the most painful thing he’s ever experienced, but it became the gateway to his greatest joy because he met and married my mom. She adores him and makes him happy. Worth the heartache? I think so.
November 16, 2009 at 9:42 am
living in zion
Brohammas,
Must comment. “…but fear is huge and really good on skates.” I smiled at your description. I am clumsy on skates and would never join a roller derby, but I love the mental picture of Fear/Love in a death match at the World Wide Roller Derby Championships. I bet Love wears a better outfit.
Sarah,
My daughter is engaged right now, and I hadn’t given a thought to the sad condition of the guest bathroom. This is why your family is great. I will follow their lead and also work on putting my Best Bathroom forward.
Our wedding will be at the Nauvoo Temple, in February 2010. I am anxious to hear when yours might be…. (please don’t pull a Lisa and be shy about it —I love details!!!!!)
November 16, 2009 at 9:44 am
Kristen Wood
What has brought me the courage to love and be loved:
The Four Loves by C S Lewis: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
November 16, 2009 at 10:09 am
nakiru
Amen, Kristen.
November 16, 2009 at 10:55 am
lisapiorczynski
When I was young, I always wanted the Anne Shirley/ Gilbert Blythe love story. High school sweetheart. First love. That sort of thing. Clearly, that’s not the way mine worked out.
I fell in love 3 separate times over the past decade. Seriously, painfully, fully, in love. My mother said to me, “Lisa, remember that you won’t marry everyone you love. And it’s okay not to.” That advice was really empowering to me. It took nothing away from those experiences and feelings I had when I was dating those wonderful men. And it allowed me to be more willing to take risks, to be vulnerable. I am grateful to know that my heart has the capacity to love enough to be broken and the capacity to love again.
Nakiru,
The story I believe to be the most empowering is the foundation of our sacred narrative as Christians: Redemption is possible. Possible for me and Tagg. Possible for the brokenhearted. Possible for married couples who’ve fallen out of love with each other. Possible for those who wonder if love will ever find them. Possible.
My advice? Keep the great story of redemption close to your heart and let it change you. I would not have been able to marry Tagg had I not changed as much as he had.
November 16, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Jason Merrell
I agree with Brohammas that fear never goes away. But I think Sarah is spot on saying that love is a body check. It gives fear a place to exist and fleshes it out. You can breathe it; let it in and let it out. I also think a crucial part of this is loving fear. Not that we run after it like junkies, but that we embrace what is there and comes on its own. Love separates fear from its demon brother shame and gives us good information because we’ve let it have its say. Love silences fear because it listens quietly. We cannot control what others do or who others love. We can have some control over who we love and whom we fear.
November 16, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Jason Merrell
Okay, ick. I feel like I just strung a bunch of cheesy greeting cards together. But, you know, cheese can be good for the soul and even tell the truth sometimes.
November 16, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Shauna
Sarah, once again, I love Monday. I actually enjoy the funny that you sprinkle in with your profound, but I will look forward to plain funny too.
I love all the commenters here too. Everyone always has great insights, so yea for you . . . keep commenting.
Here are my two cents: I met my husband before he went on his mission, and wrote to him while he was gone. I missed him horribly . . . he had been my best friend as well as boyfriend. I was pretty sure that he was “the one” and I didn’t want to meet another “one” and have to choose, even though he had encouraged me to date while he was gone. In all of this mental and emotional anguish that the experience put me through, I once said to my mom, “What if I am making a terrible mistake!?!!” (by “waiting” for my missionary). Her answer: “It is never a mistake to love.” That meant so much to me. You can tell by the fact that I’ve already called him my husband, that it worked out. We wrote the whole time, he came back and got cold feet and broke up with me briefly, we got back together, and about a year later we married. But the whole time I could push back the fear with that advice from my mom, It is never a mistake to love.
November 16, 2009 at 1:06 pm
smylies
The implied of course is that love takes work. Very good Sarah.
Also, Manfriend: good luck with the Olsons.
November 16, 2009 at 1:13 pm
jessica t.
Couldn’t agree more. I once again believe we are kindreds because I’ve come to the same realization. It is absolutely true. And thanks for teaching me the art of hugging last night. You are really good.
November 16, 2009 at 1:55 pm
nakiru
Wow. Lisa, thanks. You really spoke to me where I am, and I really appreciate. I, too, always believed in the first love dream, which, quite for the better, has not happened to me.
Today I am going to concentrate on keeping the narrative of redemption in my heart, and recognize the redemption I already know He has worked, not just in me, but in someone who has in the past broken my heart. The redemption that can cast out fear.
Sarah, thanks for another great post that has made an infinitely difficult (in a multitude of ways) week brighter.
November 16, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Stephanie
I think I need to go to Europe. Who wants to chaperone? My parents would probably pay for you.
November 16, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Emily
Wow Sarah, great post. It was fear that kept me very single and hardly dating for 26 years. And once I did find love, fear almost destroyed it. But then I remebered discussing in Sunday School how fear was the opposite of faith. Elder Neil L. Anderson said “Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time. In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith. Jesus said, “Be not afraid, only believe.”” I decided to believe and when I feel the fear creeping back in, I remember that I choose the road of faith.
November 16, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Shandi
Sarah,
“But maybe sometimes we need to push fear out. We need to push fear out—to let love in.” I love that. It was just what I needed to hear today.
In response to what Lisa said about dreaming of the Anne Shirley/ Gilbert Blythe love story/High school sweetheart/first love…I often wonder what kind of love I will end up having. There is always the possible Boyfriend 1.0/missionary/first love who seems to re-enter into my life about every year or the crazy, whirlwind, I never would have guessed I would end up with you romance. I guess only time will tell. It’s like a surprise worth waiting for.
P.S. It was lovely to chat with you yesterday Sarah.
November 16, 2009 at 3:21 pm
sarahlolson
Carole, you are so right. So right, I’m going to say it again. You are so right. One of the things I’ve discovered about growing older is how many cliche/ridiculous things I find myself thinking (things like “Men! They’re all the same!” or “I’m giving up!”) when I have to catch myself and say–Hey. Wait. That’s ridiculous. I have a lot of sympathy for the common woman these days. Turns out, I am her. (Re Manfriend: Only four of my siblings will be home, but this will be the first time he will have met my parents and three of my siblings. It will be fun.)
Heather, I used your I Ching quote as my gchat status for part of today. It’s pertinent in ways I can’t explain. Also this: “there is no True Perfect Love from another human being.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot–about how maybe I should be turning to God for the love I keep wanting/demanding from others.
Brohammas, fear doesn’t go away? Oh bother.
Amanda, I love that story. And re your last paragraph–it’s the “somehow” that’s interesting to me right now. I’m thinking it maybe doesn’t always happen naturally. Sometimes we have to consciously help it happen. That’s a new idea for me.
nakiru, totally. Way to call out Tagg and Lisa. And you are perfectly right to bring up the Author of perfect love and faith and healing. You are right. This is what is truly comforting.
Meredith, wow. WOW. Ouch. Wow. Your comments is one of my favorites (highest ratio of substance to storytelling to pith) we’ve ever had. I think you just wrote my post in one paragraph. I can learn from you.
living in zion, I’m with you–I bet Love DOES wear a better outfit. Re your bathroom: do what you will. He will love you guys anyway, I am sure. (And re my wedding details: I will love sharing them. If I have them, when I have them, they’re yours–as many as whomever I’m marrying and good sense will allow me to share.)
Kristen, I also made your CS Lewis quote my gchat status for some period of this morning too. It is good to have wise words around me and on hand. And these–these are exactly right. And true.
lisa, these are such perfect words: “Keep the great story of redemption close to your heart and let it change you.” I’m not sure I’ve heard better love advice in my whole life. My whole life.
Jason, I am with you–sometimes love does the work of pushing fear out (or silencing it or giving it its appropriate space or hearing it out, etc.). But sometimes maybe it doesn’t? This is what I am wondering. Sometimes it only does if we make room for love first. We stick our agency/hands in our little hearts, move fear a little bit over, and let love settle in the spot we’ve cleared. Maybe?
Jason 2, it’s a sad truth: there is a lot of truth in cliches.
Shauna, “it is never a mistake to love.” That is genius. I will get that tattooed on my forehead. Or my ankle. Or my heart. One of the three.
Smylies, did you just pat me on the head? And did you whisper a prayer under your breath for Manfriend?
Jessica, will you please hug me the next time you see me? More than once? If you aren’t already a great hugger, you will be. I see it in your future. And in your heart. You have it in you for sure.
nakiru 2, you are so welcome. I want very few things more than I want for you to have great weeks. Lovely weeks. Not infinitely difficult weeks. I love that/what you share with me. With us.
Stephanie, PICK ME!!!! I would be a GREAT chaperone. Not Cousin Charlotte like at all (from A Room with a View).
Emily, fear and faith. You (and Elder Anderson) must be right. Faith is the way out from fear. Moving aside fear for love–that is an act of faith. It is. I feel that to be true.
Shandi, so good to see you again. 🙂 Your comment reminds me again of what my good friend Karren tells me (and what she commented on someone’s post last week, I think): Life unfolds. Life unfolds. I think about this everyday, more than once a day. I need to let life unfold. Let love unfold. Let life unfold. Sounds like you are doing the same thing too. I’m in good company.
November 16, 2009 at 3:26 pm
ao
Dear Sarah. I would argue that the fear doesn’t go away, it just changes focus. (It was the school, then the job, then the relationship, then the child, then the house, then the no school, now the children and the lady at church.) You know?
All of life requires bravery. All of it. While I like the thought of pushing fear out, what I like even more is the owning up to it, the standing up straight right in front of it and looking it over and saying, “Hey. This is my life. I am afraid. My fear looks like this. And this. And this. And it’s alright that it’s there.” Because if I can look at it, I can keep moving–toward it, away from it, right on through it.
My high school choir teacher used to tell us, “If you aren’t nervous, it won’t be good.” Turns out she was right.
November 16, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Rebekah
How did y’all know I was facing this old-age crisis just yesterday?
I returned from my mission five months ago. If the measurement for being a good missionary is how often you offer your heart again, only to have it stomped upon or splattered mercilessly against the wall, I’d say I was pretty darn good – maybe even great. After so many life lessons, I thought that the dating game would be easier when I returned home. I’m currently in a great relationship, but Fear keeps rearing his huge, ugly head… and he’s charging on roller skates! Actually, it’s more like I’m being swarmed by multiple fears, all wearing the same unattractive outfit.
Anyway, I needed this reminder of the value of love and why it takes so much work and overcoming of self to attain it. You were inspired to write it, Sarah. Thank you.
November 16, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Louise Plummer
Fear and faith is a lifetime struggle. What is amazing is how fear comes cloaked in different disguises (anger, outrage, judgments, projections) and you don’t always recognize it for what it is. And when you finally do recognize it, you say, “Oh it’s you again. I didn’t recognize you for a minute (or a week or months). I should have known it was you.”
Faith, on the other hand, is always a struggle to hold on to. I’m Jacob wrestling that angel hoping for a blessing in the end. ” Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief.”
November 16, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Miggy
Days before my now husband proposed to me {I was expecting it} I was suddenly paralyzed with fear that something would go wrong and we wouldn’t get married. This may be due to the fact that I had fallen in love and discussed marriage with 4 other guys before my hubby. My heart had been broken, repaired and broken again. Each one was it’s own learning experience. To add to my paranoia my husband had been engaged before and he was the one to call it off. Anyway, as I said I was expecting a proposal–in fact I had expected it a few days before–but terrified that this too would fall through. So when my bf got a cryptic phone call one day I was sure that it was the jeweler letting him know the ring was finished…but I really wanted to KNOW. So when he went into a store I took the opportunity to grab his phone and call the store back where he had just received a call. To my embarrassment it was not a jewelry store but some guy named Tim. I hung up immediately. I felt so stupid. What was I doing? This was crazy insecure behavior. I was really ashamed and confessed my impulsive and ridiculous phone call. I was even more afraid now that he would think I was crazy and rethink his decision.
Turns out it WAS a guy from the jewelry store and bf DID propose a couple days later. Fear can make you do some stupid stuff.
November 16, 2009 at 7:23 pm
corktree
As usual, well said Sarah. I think Fear comes round when we’re on (or think we’re on) to a good thing or the right path. Fear is Resistance (and resistance is futile) which is just another word for everything adverse to us. Just another tool. Push it out, yes, and move on knowing that it may only mean that you are closer to your true calling or true love. ( I realize that countless examples of couples may seem to negate this view, but maybe those are only the times that Fear won out)
I’ve been gone for a week and I must say, I sure did miss the Apron Stage! Can’t wait to read last week’s gems…
November 16, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Abe Niederhauser
Fantastic post! What ever happened to Tony? or to Karen?
November 16, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Ann-Marie
My motto lately has been “I can do hard things. I do hard things every day. I can do hard things”
Sister Dalton talked about this topic in her talk “A Return to Virtue” http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-947-24,00.html
It doesn’t exactly go with the subject today, but I was reminded of my motto as I read your post today!
November 17, 2009 at 12:35 am
mikelle
Ann-Marie, thanks! I’ve been thinking about Sis. Dalton’s comments about doing hard things lately, and have been meaning to go find them again. I’m so glad you posted that today!
November 17, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Marilyn
As a new reader of the Apron Stage, I’m not sure whether it’s kosher to post after the day has come and gone, and new wisdom has been unleashed. But it’s OK if I’m speaking into a recently-vacated void, because finding words helps me think through personal dilemmas.
I’ve often felt a familiar I’m-not-measuring-up hopeless feeling when someone expresses to me that faith and fear cannot exist together in the same heart. Because fear, for me, is such an automatic response that I’m rarely without it. Is this a lack of faith, or is it temperament? The way my neurons are wired? If it’s a lack of faith, then how do I interpret my efforts to move ahead and trust the Lord, in spite of my omnipresent fear and self-doubt?
A friend passed a helpful idea on to me, and it’s now tacked to my fridge: “Courage is not the absence of fear; courage is the realization that there are some things more important than fear.” This idea comforts me. While courage is not the same thing as faith, exactly, faith does require a lot of courage.
I do believe that perfect love casts out fear, in the sense that Perfect Love, through the atonement, will eventually heal me. And I can choose to act in faith, and value faith, and reach for faith, in spite of my fear.
November 18, 2009 at 9:26 am
Mariah again
Are we capable of perfect love? (I didn’t read all the comments…)
November 18, 2009 at 11:43 am
mikelle
Marilyn, I’m glad you commented. I love this idea about courage. In spite of how often I/we talk/learn/study about/try to live it, sometimes faith feels so abstruse. Looking at it in terms of courage is like putting feet on my faith–giving me something to do, a way to live, to be faithful. In the very hardest period of my life (to this point), requiring the greatest exertion of my faith, courage was what I grabbed on to. It was the expression of my faith in more tangible terms. I don’t know if this is making any sense, but all I’m trying to say is that I agree. In my mind, faith doesn’t necessarily equal courage, but it does encompass courage. Thanks for articulating that.
November 18, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Marilyn
Mikelle, “sometimes faith feels so abstruse. Looking at it in terms of courage is like putting feet on my faith–giving me something to do, a way to live, to be faithful.”
That is so beautifully put. Thank you! Courage as a tangible expression of faith. Ahh.
November 19, 2009 at 4:51 am
Fear and Love « {Beta…} « debtconsolidationandcreditrating
[…] Maybe because something in her and Tagg’s love story rings pretty true in my life right now. How much and how soon do we let perfect love cast out fear when the rejection came from the one who is asking us to let the perfect love in again? … The Four Loves by C S Lewis: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, …This Post […]
November 23, 2009 at 8:48 am
Surprise! A Sarah Way to Free Fun « {Beta…}
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