GUEST BLOGGER: CRISTY MEINERS
Last week, Cristy Meiners wrote about turning 31 and deciding to go to counseling. The following is (some of) what she discovered after 6 months of therapy.
I approached therapy the way I approached college classes (my major classes, anyway): I was on time, prepared, and ready to discuss the subject. I probably took therapy even more seriously than I did English 241 because this time around I was paying for it. And because my personal progression motivated me more than getting an A.
What I learned #1: My therapist is not my friend
The first thing I noticed was that I didn’t have to ask my therapist how her weekend was, how she was feeling, or where she bought her skirt. This was a professional relationship. So, when she-who-was-not-my-friend would ask me highly personal questions and my first instinct was to say, “Sorry, we don’t really know each other, nosy. Can it,” I didn’t say that because I WANTED to be there. I called her, for heaven’s sakes, and made us both get up at ridiculous hours in the morning just to do this.
I chose my therapist in part because she is also a single LDS woman in her 30s, and when I told her I felt displaced and disoriented, she empathized, with an “e.” Her understanding allowed me to speak easily because I trusted our shared experience.
But it didn’t change the fact that I was the topic of every conversation. Have you ever talked for a solid HOUR about yourself with someone who just kept asking questions? I don’t think I had until I paid someone to listen to me. It was the single most indulgent thing I’ve ever done.
What I learned #2: Nothing shocking
A friend of mine always says that for her, therapy is emotional dental floss: it’s an opportunity to clean out the emotional gunk that’s built up over the years. I can’t say that was really my experience. My therapy wasn’t so much a water-pick cleaning as it was an examination of my molars.
And here’s why: over all, I’m not sure that I learned anything shockingly revelatory about myself during therapy, but I did answer some good, hard questions about me. Initially, I hoped to get advice from my therapist on how to find my way in my 30s. But rather than advising me on the best course, my therapist asked me a series of questions and then used our hour together to help me dig into the answers I provided. She asked me to consider what I want in my life—not what are my goals, but what kind of life do I want to lead? A life with love? With laughter and friendship? What role do I assume in relationships? Not just romantic relationships, but all of my relationships, those with friends, siblings, coworkers. Finally, my therapist asked me the classic therapy favorite: what are my fears, really and truly? My first reaction was that I didn’t have real fears (obviously a lie). Ultimately I realized that what I cling to the very most is what I worry most about losing: my independence. And I realized I am actively motivated by that fear, something I suspected, but had certainly never said out loud.
What I learned #3: When it’s over, it’s over
My last appointment was a few weeks ago, and I knew it was going to be our last. It just felt…over. When my therapist asked me what else I wanted to talk about, I responded, “Uh, I think that’s it.” She smiled at me, gave me a big hug, and said, “I think so, too.”
Six months in therapy has not turned me from a stranger wandering a strange land to a native dweller, but Greenland doesn’t feel quite so alien anymore. I still wake up surprised that I’m here, but I think that’s true for most of us, wherever we are. The problem is we generally see ourselves as we were, or as future glorified versions of ourselves (wearing Zac Posen, of course), but rarely as we are. Therapy helped me see the woman I am today, TODAY, and so far, she’s proving to be pretty decent company, even in Greenland.
12 comments
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August 21, 2009 at 11:03 am
smylies
Yeah, I’ve often thought about the luxury of sitting and talking to someone for a full hour… only about myself.
My question is how you know you’re done with therapy.
August 21, 2009 at 11:44 am
Sarah Louise
My sophomore year of college, my roommates and I developed a culture in which it was fully appropriate for one of us to say, “Can we talk about me?” following which we would. And if the conversation veered before the requester was ready to be done, it was also appropriate for her to say, “Wait, can we still talk about me? I’m not done yet.” Narcissistic, yes, but also totally liberating. Also, I felt like it was such a gift for us to give to each other.
This has been repeated in other (but not all) of my houses. Though with my closest friends, this is pretty much par for the course. (One hour is a long time, I’ll grant you. But sometimes meals can be long. Or giving The Report while eating tater tots–this can take an hour, yes?)
What I’m saying is I think I have talked about myself for an hour to someone else. I’m hoping it means that my friends are conversationally selfless and NOT that I’m a conversational bully with a navel-gazing addiction. I’m hoping.
August 21, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Brohamms
We men are accustomed to talking about ourselves at great length. This is also why we are accustomed to not listening to others.
If you have enough roomates all talking about themselves, you tune them out.
This is why real man friends just go play basketball. Arguing about fouls is much more pleasant than hearing about how someone’s boss, wife, girlfriend, doesn’t appreciate them.
August 21, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Sarah Louise
Brohammas, are you saying that living with female roommates has not prepared me for living with a man? ??
Maybe I don’t need counseling as much as I need corrective therapy.
August 21, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Cristy
Hum… how did I know I was done with therapy? I think it was a combination of the expense of paying for it myself and feeling like I had said every I wanted to say in that setting. That professional relationship I wrote about simply felt over. It wasn’t an issue of feeling like I had “graduated” or figured life out in 6 easy months; rather, while continuing therapy might have been enlightening, it just felt unnessary for the time. Who know, maybe I’ll go back another time, but for now, this therapy spell is finished.
In other words, I’m not sure I knew why I was done, I just was.
August 21, 2009 at 1:39 pm
alco
Can the future glorified version of myself be wearing Givenchy? Please say yes.
August 21, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Hilary
Love it. Well said.
August 21, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Stephanie
Cristy – very well said. And very relatable. Please say you’ll post a part 3 someday. And, can we hang out?
I’m just glad Sarah O. let me vent on our run/walk last night. It was my own personal therapy session. I whined, complained, said things I probably don’t mean (but did at the time), and felt much better afterward. I think I felt better because I know that she knows me, and doesn’t judge me for thinking those (sometimes awful) things. So, thanks Sarah. How much do I owe you?
August 21, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Jenny
Decent company? Cristy that is the understatement of the year. You are fantastic company and one of the few people I feel like I can never get enough of. Two of the qualities that I most admire about you are your independence and your courage. You do what you want and follow your passions and dreams.
Thank you for sharing Cristy, again courage. I appreciate it.
August 22, 2009 at 5:24 am
living in zion
For high school graduation my best girlfriend and I decided to take a road trip. We traveled up the west coast for two weeks, returning to AZ. It sounded really great in theory. In real life, as soon as the doors closed beginning our trip, I started talking. I didn’t stop until my not-so-best -friend dumped me out on parents driveway two weeks later.
Poor girl! For some unexplainable reason I used what could have a great trip to be the ultimate therapy session. By day 4 Stephanie wasn’t speaking to me. Too bad I didn’t notice.
Luckily, 27 years later we are still good friends and I think she has forgiven me. I don’t know. We don’t talk about it.
Good call to spend the money and talk until you were done. Way less stress on friendships. Congrats.
August 24, 2009 at 10:02 am
lisapiorczynski
I’ve loved these pieces, Cristy. Thanks for guest blogging.
I have seriously considered therapy at many different times in my life. I’m sure I’ll go one day. I think it’s just useful to get the perspective on yourself that your friends and parents and siblings can’t give you without bringing their own feelings/biases to the table.
August 25, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Kate
Amen. I believe that professional therapy is a gift from God.