So Lisa is getting married on Saturday to some guy named Tagg who dresses like the uni-bomber but doesn’t like explosions.  She has kept this a secret for her own selfish reasons, and now we have only today and tomorrow to give her the imaginary wedding shower of a lifetime.  I’ll be in charge of the activity, but you, dear readers, will have to come up with imaginary invitations, refreshments, decorations and wedding favors.

Activity:  Can you believe that the bride in the photo is wearing a dress made from toilet paper?  Wow!  We will make a toilet paper dress for Lisa and fit it to her using toilet paper, napkins and doilies.  I’ll supply these items as well as straight pins.  Tom will take her wedding photo with his dinky Nikon D-200, because I won’t let him buy a Nikon D-700; but oh well, that’s marriage.

Activity:  Don’t you think it would be lovely if when she’s all dressed up in her paper gown, we stand in a circle around her holding hands in our secret Apron Stage cross-armed handshake and sing the Hawaiian Wedding Song?  (That could be our theme: Hawaiian wedding!) We could roast a pig in a pit for refreshments, but I’ll do whatever the food committee wants to do.  I think I can get Tom to dig a pit in a vacant lot near Rebecca’s apartment in Harlem, because, hey, he’s my husband and such a sweetie.

Activity:  After we sing, we’ll shout the secret Apron Stage slogan and do the pinky finger thing.  Tom will have bandages ready.  Thanks, Tom, dear.

Activity:  Then each person in the circle will give Lisa wedding advice. Here’s my advice (and you might have heard me say this already:  ALWAYS GO TO SLEEP ON YOUR ANGER.  Don’t listen to those goody-goodies who say you should make up before you go to sleep.  A fight at bedtime becomes distorted out of all proportion.  Better to turn your face to the wall or sleep on the couch for the night.  Talk in the morning.  (Forget it Tom!  I don’t care if you can’t sleep when we’re angry.  I can sleep very well, thank you very much). 

Okay, I’ve done my part.  It’s up to the rest of you to come up with the remainder of the shower.   I can’t do everything.