Things I have done and will never ever do again:
- eat at Chuckie Cheeses
- visit Disneyland
- ride a ferris wheel
- play chess
- take a cross-country bus ride
- dye my hair
- buy a dog
- have a baby
- have a period
- eat a Twinkie
- go on a blind date
- buy an American car
- read Proust
- read Nicholas Sparks or Danielle Steele
- wear shorts
- hitchhike/or pick up hitchhikers
- poop in my car
- get up at 5 a.m. to do anything
- smoke a cigarette/cigar
- watch “Somewhere in Time”
Things I shouldn’t do but probably will anyway:
1. cut my own hair
2. eat a Hostess snowball
3. sew something
4. let the grandchildren drink Dr Peppers behind their parents’ backs
5. make grandchildren watch scary movies
6. pee at the side of the road
7. curse
8. skip church
9. tell a Polish joke
10. complain/whine/sulk
11. scratch until it bleeds
12. wear Tom’s underwear when I run out of my own
13. look at myself in a magnified mirror
14. stay up past midnight
15. forget the sunscreen
16. leave worn clothes on the floor
17. mix whites and colors
18. dance in my undies on the back porch
19. take a sleeping pill
20. ask Tom who he will marry when I die
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21 comments
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July 2, 2009 at 7:32 am
Emily
How long did it take you to come up with that list? Because I am STUMPED!
Never say Never (#17…you are getting older you know…)
JUST JOKING!
That is a rude joke. Excuse me.
July 2, 2009 at 7:33 am
lisapiorczynski
RE: 20 on the never do again list.
Amen, amen. Someone gave me a copy for Christmas one year, which I took to an office white elephant party the next year where everyone fought over it. I was blown away. I think a guy named Jeff ended up with it. Jeff, if you read this blog, please explain why you chose Somewhere In Time over the Hello Kitty toaster.
RE:9 on the do again list.
Ok, but this means that I’m going to start telling Dutch jokes.
July 2, 2009 at 8:18 am
No ONe You Know
More words to live by from my favorite internet pulpit.
July 2, 2009 at 8:23 am
lisapiorczynski
NOYK,
I want that to be our new Apron Stage tag line! PERFECT.
The Apron Stage.
Words to live by from your favorite internet pulpit.
YES!!!
July 2, 2009 at 9:05 am
smylies
To be honest, I read the first as a set of challenges. Like, “how can I get her to do these things again?”
Louise, I’ve purchased you and Tom first-class tickets to Paris. Your flight leaves at 7am. (#18)
Things that like.
July 2, 2009 at 9:55 am
Katie
Louise this is hilarious. Having #17 on the never again list means you must have done it once before. So yucky, by funny!
My kids need to add #10 from the shouldn’t list their lists!
July 2, 2009 at 10:26 am
Ruth
Rebecca, I would gladly also commit to never again get up at 5 a.m. for anything if I thought you might be inspired to purchase a set of tickets for Alan and me on that same 7 a.m. flight.
July 2, 2009 at 10:27 am
Louise Plummer
Lisa, go ahead and tell Dutch jokes. The Belgians do. In Minnesota, they told Iowa jokes. At the U of U, they tell BYU jokes. They’re all the same jokes.
Rebecca, I actually thought of an early morning flight to Paris when I wrote #18, but then I remembered that from here, Paris is a night flight. Whew.
I have a pee in my car story (West Side Highway) and a poop in my car story (I-15). Number two is the worst. Next time, I’ll just bury the car.
Emily, you’re never rude.
July 2, 2009 at 10:33 am
Katy
I ate a twinkie at girls camp a few weeks ago. It was a mistake. The cream filling tasted like sweetened Colgate.
You need to order some Dr. Peppers from this place. They even have Coke imported from Holland. http://www.popsoda.com/drpepperwsugar.html
July 2, 2009 at 10:38 am
Annette
I can’t wait to be able to do things with my grandkids behind their parents’ backs (frighteningly, that day isn’t as far away as it seems).
And I already make my kids watch scary movies. I’ve gotten on addicted to Hitchcock. Good mommy.
July 2, 2009 at 10:51 am
Shar
Louise – I loved your post! It tells so much about you AND it’s the start of 20 stories! This would be a great idea starter project for any class. My favorite “I will probably do” is #12. My husband has done that on several occasions…his boss noticed and couldn’t stop laughing. But when the laundry still wasn’t done the next day, he did it again. At least he’s not ashamed of it. haha.
July 2, 2009 at 10:52 am
lisapiorczynski
Katy,
I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for that link.
July 2, 2009 at 2:19 pm
amy
This is pure genius.
July 2, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Elise
Thank you all for making me smile everytime I open your blog. Interesting women with interesting stories, most of which make me laugh. Of all on the never do again list, I have to say “taking a bus cross country” has to be formost on my list. As someone who has done that while pregnant, traveling with a small child, whose luggage got lost …I can really appreciate the never, never, never again promise.
July 2, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Lara Burton -- your number one fan
was tom’s underwear clean when you put it on?
July 2, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Louise Plummer
Katy, I love the Dutch Coca Cola. Why pay in dollars when you can pay in Euros?
Lara, Tom’s underwear is always clean.
Elise, I travelled on a bus with a three-year old. The worst thing was all the unplanned stops at four in the morning. Then in the middle of Wyoming, in the middle of the night, the bus pulled to the side of the highway and the bus driver got out of his seat and yelled at some noisy guy in the back and said that if he didn’t shut up he’d be thrown off the bus now. And someone on that bus smelled like old sewage. Violence and stench–and for such a small price!
July 5, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Zina
I loved both of these lists.
I can top both you and Elise: I will never ride across Turkey or Egypt in a bus, while pregnant, while all the male passengers chain-smoke, and my wallet gets stolen. This should also spare me ever again seeing a youth with dime-sized blackheads in his ears.
I was kinda sad when I got married that my husband’s and my 10″ height difference made it not work very well for me to borrow his clothes (although I did borrow them for the Egyptian bus ride back in the day–good maternity clothes were hard to find in the Middle East) but I will say that it has never even occurred to me to borrow his underwear.
July 5, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Zina
P.S. My favorite joke is a Polish joke. Want to hear it? I can change it so it’s a Mormon joke . . .
July 5, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Zina
P.P.S. I just re-read Elise’s and it’s possible that the small child part makes her story trump mine. But we’re neck and neck.
July 6, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Jenna
Marrying an actual Polish person made me a lot more sensitive to Polish jokes. Although, weirdly, I, the American, seem to be the one who is most sensitive about them in our relationship.
July 8, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Colleen
Just found this blog and this post is absolute genius. I’m totally with you on the Proust. I muddled my way through Swann’s Way without realizing that I’d have to read six more volumes to hear the end of the story! No way.