Things I have done and will never ever do again:

  1. eat at Chuckie Cheeses
  2. visit Disneyland
  3. ride a ferris wheel
  4. play chess
  5. take a cross-country bus ride
  6. dye my hair
  7. buy a dog
  8. have a baby
  9. have a period
  10. eat a Twinkie
  11. go on a blind date
  12. buy an American car
  13. read Proust
  14. read Nicholas Sparks or Danielle Steele
  15. wear shorts
  16. hitchhike/or pick up hitchhikers
  17. poop in my car
  18. get up at 5 a.m. to do anything
  19. smoke a cigarette/cigar
  20. watch “Somewhere in Time”

­Things I shouldn’t do but probably will anyway:

1.   cut my own hair

2.   eat a Hostess snowball

3.   sew something

4.   let the grandchildren drink Dr Peppers behind their parents’ backs

5.   make grandchildren watch scary movies

6.   pee at the side of the road

7.   curse

8.   skip church

9.   tell a Polish joke

10.  complain/whine/sulk

11.  scratch until it bleeds

12.  wear Tom’s underwear when I run out of my own

13.  look at myself in a magnified mirror

14.  stay up past midnight

15.  forget the sunscreen

16.  leave worn clothes on the floor

17.  mix whites and colors

18.  dance in my undies on the back porch

19.  take a sleeping pill

20.  ask Tom who he will marry when I die