Sarah
Dear Dave/Steve/Josh/Joe/Mike/Mark/Homie,
Dating me would be more fun than watching your TV.
For instance: I drive an old BMW. That’s fun. I love playing flag football. My tennis serves always place in the box, which makes me a good doubles partner, but my returns are never zingers, which makes me great to play against. I will never make you lose at anything just so I can win. I almost always win at Set and Boggle. Car talk doesn’t bore me. I am training for a half-marathon, but I guarantee you still run faster than I do.
Your roommates won’t ask you the questions I will. They won’t listen to your answers the way I would. They wouldn’t scratch your back in church, laugh when you tell dad jokes, or want to hear what you did at work. They won’t (I hope) cuddle with you while you’re watching The Italian Job or hulu. I do not smell like rancid male.
The quality of my massages is only exceeded by my willingness to give them. In fact, I may or may not have been told that my hands know how to “pleasure a man”; I guarantee this was in as virginal a sense as possible.
Chances are good I kiss better than your last girlfriend.
I wear high heels. I have beautiful skin. I both tan and have freckles. And the first night I wore red lipstick, my roommates could not get over themselves. I’ll save some of that for you.
I score variously as an introvert and an extrovert on personality tests, so I’m great at parties and happy at home. I’m neither chipper nor grumpy in the mornings.
Women love me, which means that your sisters, your mom, your aunts, and your female best friend are likely to approve. It also means that when you want to hang out with the guys, I’ll have something else I want to do. However, I have never had a desire to put a cat in booties or put a sweater on a puppy or kiss any animal on the mouth. I do not use the word “kitty.”
I rarely stress out. I like to laugh when I cry. I was in a sketch comedy troupe. My emails to you will be at turns clever, coy, honest, witty, deep, snarky, and literary. You will want to reread them. You will feel smarter when you are with me.
You will eat better with me than you will with anyone else. I like eating in and dining out. I bake chocolate cake with fudge frosting, all from scratch. My eggplant parmesan is unreal. I believe in produce at every meal and desserts everyday. I can make dinner from only what you have in your cupboards. I’d also happily let you cook.
I should probably say this: I may not be the prettiest girl you know, but I am better looking than I was at 18, 22, 25, even 27. And I have to tell you—for at least the next 7 years (I’m estimating), it’s only going to get better. Can TV say that?
I know there are good and bad reasons to date for the short-term/to never date for the short-term. But here I want to focus on this one thing: that dating me could be fun. I may not be the girl you marry—you may not be the man I want to marry—but together, now, it could be a good time.
Perfect girl in the ether be hanged.
52 comments
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June 8, 2009 at 2:47 am
Petra
Brilliant, and utterly true. I especially love the part about getting better-looking with age, since I hope for that as well. My mom was an awkward 20-year old but a smokin’ hot 40 year old. I hope for similar luck.
June 8, 2009 at 3:24 am
Zina
I do actually know a few single men I could forward your open letter to . . . but I have serious doubts about their even coming close to measuring up to you.
June 8, 2009 at 6:33 am
Steve
Tell me you sent that photo to President Obama.
June 8, 2009 at 8:52 am
dalene
I’m not guy and my sons are not old enough or I would totally want to set you up with one of them. But could I have your recipe for eggplant parmesan anyway?
Best–
June 8, 2009 at 9:07 am
beckarecka
Sarah
A guy watching his TV could not possibly survive you. His brain cells would be too fried for competent human interaction. It would be like trying to teach a potato to appreciate “Winged Victory of Samothrace”.
You deserve the PhD candidate who has been too busy researching the cancer that killed his mother and training for marathons as man therapy.
Or perhaps the burly construction worker who has been raising his nieces and nephews, and only now they are out of diapers and into school.
Shall I continue?
June 8, 2009 at 9:22 am
Bridget
Great post. Sounds like any guy who needs to read this letter doesn’t deserve you, you are a knock out! Comedy troupe, eh? I think I need to scourer youtube now.
June 8, 2009 at 10:13 am
sarahlolson
I wrote this post because I wanted to sort of lay out the thinking I go through when I imagine/observe a community full of good men who spend their evenings going to the gym and making themselves pasta for one.
I think–like so many of us?–wouldn’t it be more fun to go the gym with me and then make pasta for two? (And maybe have a salad, too? I make great, wholly delicious salads, even so good you don’t need dressing.) Also, we could maybe kiss a little.
Who doesn’t have thoughts like these? And why isn’t the marginal increase in fun-ness enough?
June 8, 2009 at 10:40 am
Cheryl
This totally cracked me up. You sound amazing and almost intimidating but quite the catch. That has to be the best personal ad, ever! I hope someone sweeps you off your feet and you are blissfully happy together. You sound fun even when you’re by yourself!
June 8, 2009 at 10:42 am
Emily
Oh you are just brilliant. And honestly right on the money. Seriously, what single girl hasn’t had these thoughts? I live with my sister, who is amazing and is starting law school in the fall, and I know that I am also amazing and am starting bschool in the fall….and we are funny and pretty and great cooks and live in a super fun place (New Orleans) and yet…..nary a date in sight. And I think – these dudes that are cute and funny and fun and good, they sure don’t act like they want to get married because the amount of time that they goof around and watch tv and play video games is wildly more than the amount of time that they spend on dates with awesome girls. Like us. And you.
Well written! Love it!
June 8, 2009 at 10:49 am
Lisa
I love this. Can we be friends?
June 8, 2009 at 11:45 am
AnnaBeth
You’re bringing out my inner matchmaker. Lucky for you we’ve never met and I’m on the West coast. But if you ever come this way for a visit…
June 8, 2009 at 11:45 am
Sara
I wholeheartedly agree with Emily.
In fact, I think Sarah was looking for comments like hers. I don’t think Sarah was looking for comments like, “Honey, he’s not good enough for you.” I don’t think that’s the reaction she was wanting at all. That assumes that all those single guys who are not dating are just not good enough.
Why shouldn’t they be? Why should guys be able to be content with being lazy about dating? They are good guys, to be sure, but “not being good enough” isn’t an excuse to actually not be good enough.
I think people often say things to girls like “He’s not good enough for you.” I’m sure it’s well-intentioned, but behind that statment, they seem to say one of two things: “Look, you’re gonna have to hold out for possibly a long time for a guy as good as you” or “You’re going to have to lessen your greatness because the majority of guys will not want you otherwise.”
In my experience, guys often don’t date seriously or get married unless pushed along. Why? Because they take the path of least effort. I say, don’t tell the single ladies those guys aren’t good enough because that’s a LOT of guys, which makes the single woman’s plight even more terrifying. Instead, tell all the guys you know that they need to change! They need fires under their bellies!
Don’t tell a girl what’s what; encourage guys to ask a girl out!
June 8, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Evelyn
Although I’ve been married for two years now, I spent a lot of time commiserating with my friends about these same things.
I think there was an article in Newsweek or something a few years back about how men of our generation are stuck in the Peter Pan stage/stay-at-home-and-live-with-the-parents-while-playing-video-games-for-eternity-stage. I’m not sure what’s going on, but maybe there’s something missing in all the nutritional supplements taken before going to the gym?? ;D
June 8, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Mehrsa
the reason why you are not married is that girls like me pretended to be all of those things (or thought we were?) and now guys are suspicious that you are actually legit. no one forward this post to my husband.
June 8, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Rachel
well, you’ve really asked for it now. It just so happens that i have a great brother-in-law who is single. He’s a lawyer and just bought his own house. He majored in Chemistry, but his true love is literature.
Unfortunately, he lives in San Diego, but he’s probably willing to invest in a long distance date if the email and phone conversations go well. and if the date goes well, who knows what will follow.
Even more unfortunately, you don’t know me, although you may know my sister, and I met Smylies several times at a fantastic discussion group called virtues night several years ago. So you don’t know if you can trust my judgment.
Plus, I know you’re not really asking to be set up (are you?).
June 8, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Rachel
p.s. – I think you’re really pretty.
June 8, 2009 at 12:53 pm
jessica
AMEN girl. You are all that and much, much more. Well said. And you looked adorable yesterday – I meant to tell you.
June 8, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Grover
Oh, Sarah. You’re quality. I talk so good about you that my Ohio friends get this I-should-drive-out-to-DC-and-take-this-girl-out look in their eyes. And I barely know you!
Your fruit salad, it’s true, is awesome and needs no dressing, and your Scum skills are slightly legendary. God’s building you a real good man.
June 8, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Stephanie
Red lips! Red lips! I couldn’t be a bigger fan of yours. But stop taking cheap shots at kitties.
June 8, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Erika
Amen Sarah!! I’m tempted to post this to “the list,” but these guys already had their chance to recognize your awesomeness and the majority of them blew it. Although I suspect a few guys we know could write a similarly-themed letter. Why oh why is it so hard for us to recognize the joy that could be found in each other?
June 8, 2009 at 4:02 pm
wallace
you’d think sex would be a bigger motivator for this group, right?
June 8, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Collette
If you are really feeling bold – do what my sister did the month before she turned 32 (others have done it as well) It’s called ’31 Dates in 31 Days’. One date every day for 31 days plus a blog post about each one. Your readers get to choose who gets to go on a 2nd date with you.
Yes, she had some stinkers but the most difficult part has been how to keep getting to know the 3 or 4 guys she really clicked with.
It renewed her faith in dating.
And to all us old married people – reading the blog was like the new ‘Twilight’. My kids learned to scramble their own eggs in the morning so I could read about the latest date.
You can check it out here: http://www.funwith31.wordpress.com
June 8, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Traci
ha ha! Wallace! best comment today!
June 8, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Traci
I wish I had an answer, as a married woman I often look at my unmarried counterparts and just have to throw my hands up. I have no idea what makes some girls find guys who date and marry right away while some girls don’t. I think we married ladies often get into trouble (judgmenty trouble) when we try to explain this whole phenomenon. I think we have to embrace that it really cannot be explained. But way to get the word out. Someday when you are older (and, in the next 7 years at least, hotter) you can read this blog to your significant other over eggplant and chocolate cake and he can shake his head and be thankful that you were still available for such a serendipitous thing as love.
June 8, 2009 at 6:04 pm
sarahlolson
Oh my gosh. Collette. You just blew my mind. Seriously. Everyone should check out that website. What chutzpah. What photography.
Everyone else–despite that not being the point of this post (I’m serious about that), you are welcome to set me up. We can talk later about specifics if you want to (feel free to email theapronstage_@_gmail.com). Just remember–I’m a real person too.
Beckarecka–this includes you. If you know a construction worker who fits that description, send him along. I’m totally for.
Sara gets honorable mention for her rockstar comment. It was right on the money. I feel like the world tells me (as I’m sure it tells many women), If you were less cool and better looking, it would go better for you. Can this possibly be true? And ouch. Though I’m doing what I can. On both fronts. 🙂
Wallace–you get a resounding ditto.
June 8, 2009 at 6:08 pm
sarahlolson
Traci, I love you.
June 8, 2009 at 7:16 pm
reed
I adore you, Sarah Olson.
In fact, I adore you enough to even take a picture of you in green tights in front of a somewhat historical landmark. That’s true love.
June 8, 2009 at 7:23 pm
boston turleys
Sarah O–this fun blog post has our whole family talking about how we are such huge fans of yours. I can personally vouch for all you wrote (except the kissing) and we could easily add more.
June 8, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Katie Merrill
Amen sista.
June 8, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Rebecca
Rachel–SHE WAS DEFINITELY ASKING TO BE SET UP. Please, please, please get on it. Everyone, get on it. Forward this post to the eligible men in your lives. The ones who like it, invariably, will like her. It’s a brilliant weeder.
In fact, email me at the apron stage email address and I’ll give you 1.) Sarah’s real email address and 2.) her phone number. Let’s do this Apron Stage. Let’s do this.
June 8, 2009 at 10:35 pm
Laura
I’m in! We figure since we are moving, we can maybe find boys that are deserving of you (believe it or not, Nick is the pickiest when it comes to you – I’m glad he met me first, otherwise….). Anyway, I love you and I think that if anything, this sells you short.
June 8, 2009 at 11:00 pm
alexandra
This was great. I think any guy who read this would be intrigued (maybe you should air it on a commercial on ESPN). I agree, though, that there is something wrong with these guys that there is not more dating happening. A sex drive issue?
June 8, 2009 at 11:26 pm
kristen
I love all your confidence! I know this is so 1999-but YOU GO GIRL!
June 9, 2009 at 12:00 am
sarahlolson
Team, you’re great. Seriously. The Apron Stage rocks.
That notwithstanding, I want to say this: If YOU’RE not sure that dating YOU would be more fun than watching TV, then I recommend you accept the premise (even hypothetically) and think through the ways in which it would be true for you (even if you’re now currently married).
I’ve now seen 2-3 other women do it, and it was a success each time. (Though they had to get better at it–being cool/unique is different than being fun, it turns out.)
It took me five full days to write this post. (Remember how I wrote that post not too long ago about how I’m not F-U-N?) Even though, let’s acknowledge, watching TV is a pretty low fun bar to beat.
But I have faith in you, as I now apparently have in me. Go team.
June 9, 2009 at 12:25 am
Carole
Traci’s right – there’s no obvious pattern that explains which girls are dating and which girls aren’t. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a couple of girlfriends a while back.
I’m not sure how we got on the topic, but someone mentioned reading about a woman who had sat on her toilet for, like, a year or something. She never moved, so she obviously gained a lot of weight and I think eventually had to have the seat surgically removed or something. I know, gross, right? The girls telling me this story were all nurses – they like gross stuff. Anyways, someone asked the question, how did she eat if she never left the bathroom? Apparently, the woman’s boyfriend brought her food and took care of her and everything.
This shocked one of my friends. “She had a boyfriend?! I don’t have a boyfriend! How come even Toilet Lady has a boyfriend and I don’t?”
She made an excellent point. What does Toilet Lady have that I don’t? Even the guys I have dated, most of them broke up with me for reasons much less significant than refusal to ever, ever, ever leave the bathroom.
Oh well. I continue to believe that there is justice in the universe. And that means that you, me, Emily, Emily’s sister, and all the rest of us will eventually find our Partners In Awesomeness. Until then, we will just continue to get awesomer and awesomer every day. And I wish Toilet Lady every happiness. I really do.
June 9, 2009 at 1:15 am
simplysarah
So last night I was concluding, again, that single mormon boys are really about the same all over the country when it comes to dating. Today i cited your post as evidence of that fact in a conversation with my mom.
“No mom, I don’t think I’ll date more if I move to D.C.”
Grin.
Sigh. 😉
June 9, 2009 at 8:27 am
sarahlolson
Carole, you are right of course. Toilet Lady is a bafflement. (Except, let’s remember. She probably wasn’t dating Good Time Guy. She was probably dating Bird Man or Beer Man or Hasn’t-Had-a-Job-Since-Safety-Patrol Man. Right? In any case, it’s pretty unlikely that we’d want to be dating him. I too hope they’re very happy.) But I do want to point out that my post is not about finding a partner for eternity (which thing, of course, I would love to do). I’d be happy enough increasing my good times–and the good times of another–and being the conservative/people-lover that I am, that means a partnership. I love teams. Teams are fun. Even if they’re short-lived.
simplysarah: I have no idea what to say to you, except that I’m totally, totally delighted. That I hope your mother doesn’t hate me. And that some people come to DC and rock it in the dating world. I’m not exactly sure who they are (or that they weren’t rocking it wherever they were before they moved to DC), but there are at least a lot of men to look at/be friends with. So that’s something. But maybe move here anyway! It’s a great city! Consider.
June 9, 2009 at 9:49 am
Emily
Sarah, I’ve revisited this post several times since yesterday and read and reread all the comments. Carole, the Partner in Awesomeness is supergreat! I love the post and the subject matter is so fun/frustrating/maddening/sad/funny. I came across this quote below near the end of my work day yesterday, and it made me think of me, and made me think of all of you. We are great, smart, beautiful, fun, funny, charming wonderful girls. And I don’t know about you, but I get super cranky and frustrated that I’m still single! (Even in a non-“eternal” way, as in just wanting to date and have fun.) And I think, what am I doing wrong, how can I mastermind someone into reality to come and rescue me and marry me????
Um, yes, I do think those things.
And it’s good for me to stop and remember – someone else is masterminding everything. Someone else knows that we are marvelous young women with righteous and virtuous hearts and desires. Someone else is building up an ARMY of righteous men to come find us. And until then, we must keep our faith strong and glorious.
“Patience is tied very closely to faith in our Heavenly Father. Actually, when we are unduly impatient, we are suggesting that we know what is best – better than does God. Or, at least, we are asserting that our timetable is better than His. We can grow in father only if we are willing to wait patiently for God’s purposes and patterns to unfold in our lives, on His timetable.“
Elder Maxwell
Ensign, Oct. 1980
June 9, 2009 at 1:31 pm
lisapiorczynski
Carole,
Your comment is pure genius. And it’s so true. Relatives always try to blame it on something. I have this awesome awesome friend who isn’t married. Her family blames it on the fact that she went to Stanford for undergrad over BYU. Which is clearly ridiculous. But they need a reason. It can’t just be that it’s not time yet. Or that the right person hasn’t come around yet. They want a scapegoat. And so they blamed her choice of schools.
June 9, 2009 at 4:07 pm
stacey
I have to say, I have followed your blog for awhile because I am a “Louise-fan” and I tremble to write anything in this writer-friendly blog, but I have to tell you two things. I moved recently to a new home, and while talking to my sister (as I was de-junking things that should have been tossed YEARS ago, and came across some former college stuff) I said, “I guess I can get rid of Louise Plummer’s phone number now,” and there was silence on the other end of the phone. “Why would YOU have Louise’s phone number?” my sister said (oddly.) “She was my writing professor at BYU,” to which my sister admitted Louise is IN HER WARD and then she proceeded to borrow my Louise books and hasn’t given them back! Shame on her. But now I know where Louise lives. And I have to confess I live only a few blocks away and may just watch for Louise sightings as I pass. No, I am not your stalker, just your fan. (And I won’t even call out to you if I see you in your kayak, but you were a wonderful prof. and I loved your class!)Oh, our brushes with fame! And I can say that legitimately because my husband and I were both teachers, and even when we see adult students at Chili’s or Home Depot, they look at us dumbstruck, like we should be in a classroom somewhere, festering, not at a retail BUSINESS!
My second confession is I sat on my uncomfortable computer chair for TWO HOURS last night reading the 31 dates blog from the girl in Nevada, and YOU SHOULD DO THAT! That was so amazing. You seem to be amazing and witty, like her, so you would be great and your blog would be so much fun to read. Think about it.
June 9, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Erika
Emily, I love your comment and it’s a good reminder when those feelings of total hopelessness in this matter come around. However, I do think that building up that army of righteous men may be partly our responsibility (even though I still hope that even just one of them will show up on my doorstep someday soon). I’ve wondered if I know so many incredible, faithful single women because the force of us was needed for this time. I have two friends who met incredible men last year who were converted and then married them. Even though I wish they’d find us, I think we have to try to find them as well.
And let’s be honest, the majority of the men out there in the world seem to have an easier time recognizing our awesomeness than the ones in the pew next to us.
June 9, 2009 at 5:07 pm
Kim Gardner
Sarah,
What up friend? You’re awesome.
I don’t want to be one of Those people, but the 31 dates thing was started by a Mormon girl in NY: http://31datesin31days.com/. She did this last January/February and I bring this up being of a few things: she’s awesome (like you), she met awesome dudes, and she’s still dating the guy who won the poll at the end. I was talking to her last weekend and she said that one big thing she realized was how closed she was to guys and she didn’t realize it. She was able to go out with a bunch of different guys that she wouldn’t have otherwise known before and open herself up again. She was able to see other hindrances (besides the release of latest version of Madden Football) that were keeping her from dating.
I’m not saying you need to borrow her html code and get going, but I do like the idea of making different choices and doing things differently than we always have. It’s too hard to get outside ourselves and see things as they really are otherwise. I try the George Costanza thing all the time where I resolve to make a different decision than the regular me would have. I don’t usually follow through with it, but I like the idea because it gives me a chance. It gives me a chance to create a different reality for myself and to break some brain patterns and some life patterns that seem deeply ingrained.
Point being, I have a testimony of gimmicks and of trying new things. But as you know, I’m also single, so my random ideas of what works and what doesn’t change frequently.
June 9, 2009 at 7:23 pm
simplysarah
(Sarah, I have to tell you the funniest part. At least it was funny to me.)
During that conversation with my mom…
Me: “So one of the authors of my favorite blog is this single lawyer-girl about my age who’s living in D.C. (I think?) and just today -”
Mom: “Single LDS lawyer in D.C.? I’ve heard of her!!!”
Me: “Mom, hold on. Do you even know what blog I’m talking about? There are lots of single female LDS lawyers.”
Mom: “She’s part-Asian, right?”
Anyway, your comment about those rockers of the D.C. dating scene made me giggle. As did the post.
June 9, 2009 at 11:23 pm
sarahlolson
simplysarah–I told my roommate today about your conversation with your mom, I was so delighted about it. I’m super glad to get more details.
And will you ask your mom–was she thinking about a girl named Sachi? I happen to know a part-Asian single lawyer (law student) girl living (sometimes) in DC. If it isn’t Sachi, it might be someone I know. I wish it were me. Part-Asian women are hot.
June 10, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Angelique
this is a manifesto whose movement I would join – thank goodness you are still single Sarah, because whenever I feel like my continued singleness means I’m unloveable, I just remember that there are tons of completely loveable women out there who are single too
June 11, 2009 at 8:41 am
sarahlolson
Angelique. A manifesto. That is EXACTLY what it is. (And, now that I think about it, kind of what I was going for. An invitation/argument/manifesto. But maybe all manifestos are all three?)
A manifesto. Excellent. I’m glad to have you on board, you CLW (completely lovable woman), you.
June 11, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Louise Plummer
It’s Thursday night, and I’m reading this for the first time. Wow, Sarah Olson, this is a masterpiece. It needs to be more widely published. Wish I had an unmarried son.
Stacey, give me a holler when you see me in the neighborhood.
June 21, 2009 at 11:56 pm
stace
Can I date you?
June 26, 2009 at 3:43 am
Zina
I don’t know if you’ll see this so much later, Sarah, but I just remembered to come back and read all the comments (tried to anyway; it’s late and I’m a little sleepy) and I just wanted to clarify that I wasn’t AT ALL trying to say that in general there are no men who measure up to you, and definitely also not trying to say that you should in any way decrease your wonderfulness to be more approachable or something. All I meant was that I had just run through the list of single guys in your age range I know personally, and decided that none of them was worthy of you (sadly, at least some of them are single for a reason.) I wish I did know the ones who are worthy of you, ’cause I’d set you up with them in a heartbeat.
And yes, I do see your point that even the ones who aren’t worthy of you would still have more fun spending time with you than alone, but . . . there’s a limit to the applicability of that. (I’m not making sense. B/c trying not to say “doesn’t mean you should ever have to spend time with losers.” Could manage better tact if better-rested.)
July 8, 2009 at 1:13 am
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July 11, 2009 at 3:53 pm
britney
sarah, sarah… just getting to read this… hm… you are truly ‘some kind of wonderful’!
July 13, 2009 at 12:18 am
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