Summer08 099

Guest Blogger

Traci Mckay is the young mother of three children and once, BONO PATTED HER PREGNANT BELLY. We at the Apron Stage have labeled her a yellow. This because she overuses commas, deliberately makes silly faces, and makes us laugh every time she leaves a comment.  Read more of Traci here.

Does anyone not know the opening lines of I Like Big Butts? I ask because my six-year old son just came in the room muttering to himself about little bitty waists and round buns in your face. “Excuse me!?!”  He starts to guffaw sheepishly. “Mom, I said buns, not the b-word.” (The b-word is Butts, the s-word is Stupid, and the d-word is Dumb. I love this age.) I’m kind of resigning myself.   I’d rather be the mother of a child who knows the words to I Like Big Butts than be the mother who has to explain why it’s inappropriate. Particularly since I sing it every time I see Matt Harpering go to the free throw line. Baby got back, my friends, baby got back.

The truth, and I cannot lie, is that I do like big butts. I’ve been trying to get one for most of my adult life. I have an affliction that my sister Shelly coined as Brown-Elephant-Buttitis. (I added itis because it sounds more like the medical problem it is.) My butt grows wide and flat rather than out and bootiliciously. It’s a white girl butt. It’s especially unfortunate because I do like to shake it quite a bit, which ends up looking as misguidedly enthusiastic and sad as a kid with no arms trying to give a high five.

I’ve become fairly covetous. I find myself looking at other women, checking out their bums, occassionally mouthing the word daaaamn. Wondering if it would be weird—if I could sound objective—if I told them that they were owning their jeans. I’m still not sure if that would make someone’s day or make them want a shower.

So I go on, shaking my phantom booty, doing squats and lunges, wearing pants with flaps on the pockets, asking personal trainers to work my can like it owes them money, and remembering the words of another irrepressible optimist – the bum will come out tomorrow- I’m pretty sure that’s what she said, anyway.