Louise

I want you to be the first to hear it:  I just received an email informing me that my email address has won top prize in the Irish Lottery Promotion Program.  The prize is awarded in British pounds but I was quick to calculate that I’ve won more than 1.2 million U.S. dollars.  See what happens when you pay your tithing?  I’ve copied my acceptance letter below:

Dear Mr. Richard Olsen,

Aha, what a fine day.  I open my email to find I have won 850,000.00 GBP in the Irish Lottery Promotion Program.  I didn’t even know the Irish Lottery needed promotion.  I imagine you’ll be wanting me to send my bank account number so you can transfer the funds immediately. To tell you the truth, I’d prefer you send me a cashier’s check for the full amount.  Or perhaps, you could drop by in a white van with flowers and champagne and invite my neighbors over to watch me burble with excitement over my astonishing win. Please give the Irish Lottery folks my deepest gratitude.  As you can imagine, this comes at a time when money is tight and my husband is substitute teaching in the public schools to keep us afloat.  He’ll be ecstatic to find out that he can go back to his photographic studio in the basement and pay off the mortgage as well.

You know, the Nigerian government also wanted to send me money, but the letter was written in such broken English, I thought it was a ruse.  Your English is flawless.  I’ll take that as a positive sign. I’m completely thrilled with my good fortune.

Sincerely,

Louise Plummer

This is how I’ll spend the money:

  • Have that watercolor framed.
  • Buy a cashmere coat
  • Have that chair reupholstered.
  • Buy Tom a Hassleblad at B&H
  • Keep a small apartment in Inwood.
  • Visit Ireland.  I owe them.
  • Take all my children, grandchildren to Balboa Island next Christmas.
  • And, of course, I’d pay my tithing.  I always pay my tithing.

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