Louise
I don’t like to call out on the phone. My mother didn’t either. She’d make my sister call the pharmacy, the doctor’s office, the Utah Power and Light Company (it isn’t called that anymore). I make Tom call out, and what’s amazing is that he will do this for me. I mean I’m a sicko, but he’s an enabler. We’re both sicko.
It isn’t that I can’t call out. I actually can. In another life I was a secretary more than once and it was my job to call out and report back. I called out for Harvard College. I called out for General Mills. I didn’t seem to mind as long as I got paid to do it. My last clerical job was assisting the president of Grey Advertising in Minneapolis. He once asked me to hire a private jet to California, because there were no commercial flights when he needed them. I had no idea what to do, so I looked up private jets in the phone book and there they were. I called them and hired my boss a private jet to California.
Then I went home and told Tom. “I don’t understand why I have to make phone calls for you if you can hire your boss a private jet,” he said to me.
“Well,” I said, “You weren’t there to help me.”
One summer Tom went to Berlin,Germany for the summer and I had to suck it up and call our bank which wrote us a letter that said we were going to prison if someone didn’t call soon. So I had to call and this nice woman said HA HA HA, no, it wasn’t all that serious and so on and so forth. That same summer I also had to call our insurance agency because LDS Hospital said they were sending us to prison unless someone called. And it was the same thing there: HA HA HA, we just like to send out scary letters and see if we can get people to call us back.
On Sunday, a counselor in the bishopric handed me the bishop’s year-end report from 2007 and said the bishop would like me to write the 2008 report, and he wants it in a week. You might think this would be an inspired calling since I am a writer, but you’d be wrong. I’m pretty sure God had nothing to do with it. I have to call every auxiliary head and get a report from them. I have to interview them on the phone. I have spent the day in bed watching NCIS on Hulu to avoid this task. Then I ate three supreme tacos from Taco Bell and had a Coke, which I don’t drink anymore. Then I looked up the phone numbers and I called every last one of them, but only one was home, the elder’s quorum president, and he said he would email me a report.
No one will call me back. Why should they? I never call anyone back, unless it’s someone I want to have adultery with.
Why hasn’t God told the bishop that I am a teacher? Why hasn’t he called me to teach the Gospel Doctrine class or Relief Society? I was born to teach. Why do I have to be called to talk to people on the phone? I hate calling people on the phone. I really really hate it.
Have I said that?
39 comments
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February 5, 2009 at 3:10 am
Jenna
I always want to teach and I never get it. Maybe if I stop wanting it, it will happen? But no matter how much I tell myself I don’t want it, doesn’t God already know my secret plan to trick him? So it never works.
I just listed 30 items on Craigslist and every single person replies and says “I want this, call me xxx-xxx-xxxx.” I refuse to do so. Obviously they have the capacity to email me the first time so I assume they can do it again. Why would anyone want to use the telephone when they can use email?
February 5, 2009 at 7:37 am
Becky
Here Here, God bless Email – the ward list should consist of email addresses not phone numbers! My parents are the opposite, my mom got my dad to do any number of household chores just so he wouldn’t have to make the phone call. Mom hated vacuuming, dad hated the phone – it worked. Except when mom wasn’t home and the tele-marketers called. Dad would always say yes – he thought it got him off the phone faster, he never fully heard what they were saying he just wanted to GET OFF THE PHONE! After all the trouble Mom went through to undo whatever Dad agreed to and after LOTS and lots of money was donated to every sort of good cause, mom banned dad from the phone. And once again it works. – Enabling? maybe, but hey- whatever works.
February 5, 2009 at 8:24 am
dede
I find that an email response to a phone message works very well. Helps me avoid the phone almost completely.
Why won’t Ed be my enabler?
February 5, 2009 at 9:46 am
Laura
Wow – I am the sick one, and my husband is the enabler. Unfortunately, as I read this aloud to him, he said, “forget it! I’m cutting you off!”
Thankfully, we both know this won’t happen. He needs me to do his laundry too much.
February 5, 2009 at 9:52 am
Angie
We usually get the calling we don’t want. I know.
I am not a teacher, especially one for adults. I told a friend the worst calling for me would be Sunday School teacher. Two weeks later, there I was.
Maybe if you tell yourself and everyone else how much you LOVE to call everyone in the ward, that responsibility will pass you by. But probably it won’t.
February 5, 2009 at 9:55 am
Sarie
Louise, if you started a church, I would totally join it.
February 5, 2009 at 10:27 am
Corrie
I don’t mind making calls. But I do know some people who are in the same boat you are with that. I get it.
I got called to be our women’s basketball coach NOT because of my skill, but because I can make phone calls.
February 5, 2009 at 10:31 am
sarahlolson
I got a text message from a friend just last night that said, “Do you text Sarah? Do you like that? Is that what you like? What do you like?”
I had just sent him an apologetic email for not returning any of his calls. I had included a P.S. that said, oh, by the way, I don’t like talking on the phone.
Then I called him and we talked until 1 am and here I am late for work.
Note: This does not apply to men I have crushes on. Men I have crushes on, I always want to talk to on the phone.
February 5, 2009 at 10:49 am
Mehrsa
I LOVE this! I, too, only call people if they threaten me with jail time or if I want to have adultery with them! HILARIOUS!
February 5, 2009 at 11:05 am
brittney b
moral of the story: when wanting to procrastinate throw back some taco bell and call it a day!
February 5, 2009 at 11:58 am
Annette
It feels so good to know that the illustrious Louise Plummer hates phone calls as much as I do!
February 5, 2009 at 11:59 am
smylies
Levi wants to know why you never called him back.
February 5, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Rachel
My sister used to make me call people for her. We had a similar voice so I’d just pretend to be her and she’d tell me what to say. Usually just the get the facts kind of calls. I think she’s grown out of it, if not she’s been forced to adapt due to the long distance apart. I’d still enable her though.
February 5, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Monica Merced Rich
Louise, you are as right about the phone as you were wrong about the bath.
February 5, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Heather Stay Cosby
Sam and I make phone call deals: “I’ll call your brother if you decide where we’re all going to dinner.” We also hate making decisions about where to eat. “I’ll call someone to drive us to the airport if you do the dishes for the next three weeks.”
My visiting teaching never gets done before the last week of the month because my companion staunchly refuses to call to set up appointments and I only merely despise the task.
February 5, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Grover
What? You watch NCIS too?
I think Gibbs should stop wearing so many polos with oversized sport coats.
February 5, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Louise Plummer
Levi, darling, you know why.
My church. Yes, I like the sound of that. There will be no meetings. People will communicate on a blog: mychurch.com
Dede, your’re the enabler for Ed. And what would he do without you?
February 5, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Kaylee
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who hates calling people. I can usually get my hubby to do it, but he hates it almost as much as me. When we were engaged, I had an internship that took me halfway across the country from him. We had to learn to talk on the phone to each other, since we were used to just being together when we talked. The first few weeks we only talked maybe 15 minutes a week. By the end of the summer it was 1-3 hour calls 2-3 times a week. With lots of email and snail mail the whole time.
Also, when I have to make a call I like to be by myself, with nobody else in the room. It feels more private that way even though I know people in the next room can hear exactly what I’m saying. (Why I crave that privacy, I don’t know.)
February 5, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Louise Plummer
Grover, what is with Gibbs haircut? I think he cuts it himself with a barber kit from Sears.
February 5, 2009 at 1:54 pm
cchrissyy
I nearly spit my drink on the screen for that “adultery” line!
February 5, 2009 at 3:19 pm
shelley
My cell phone has been missing for over a month. I know it is somewhere in my house because I heard the beep, beep I’m dead sound. And I’ve looked for it, but not that hard…because if I don’t have a phone, I am not responsible for calling people back. Right?
February 5, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Amanda
I only have a house phone because my cell phone’s too small to do that whole cradle-snugly-against-my-ear-and-shoulder thing. I only have a cell phone because I like shiny things and I’ve yet to find a pay phone that works anymore. Forget calling out; I don’t even accept calls in. If you really want me, send me a good old via-USPS letter. Handwritten. Otherwise, I’m out.
And as for callings and inspiration, it’s feeling largely like a hoax to me these days–like when my friend’s mom was called to be the general YW president and my other friend said: “That’s not inspiration, that’s just common sense.” I mean really. Perhaps you’d best relocate, Louise, and tell your new ward community that you’re a welder.
February 5, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Michelle
Oh, man. So, so funny. And I’m so relieved–I hate making phone calls too. (This is a terrible part of my teaching job. Not only do I have to call parents, I have to call them to say things like, “Little Johnny doesn’t turn in his homework, and no, I don’t think ennui is a good excuse. And yes, he’s very bright, but his thinking that is not making him very many friends.” Would it be appropriate to pass these phone calls to a significant other? Please say yes.)
February 5, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Tiffany Lewis
It wasn’t until I became a journalism major that I realized how much I hated talking on the phone. Luckily, I got myself a journalism boyfriend quick who made all my phone calls for me, took notes for me, and handed over the notes so I could write my stories.
Now that we’re married, he still makes all the phone calls, even to my mother.
February 5, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Emily
Does anyone like to call out? Like you, I only call if someone is threatening to send me to prison. I also, as often as possible, try to get my husband to do it. However, if I do make the phone call–he (husband) makes a really big deal of it. Come to think of it he seems more grateful to me for making phone calls than doing laundry or baking bread. Hmmm.
February 5, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Emily
This could have been taken from the depths of my phobia-riddled mind. Glad to know I share a kindred spirit in the world!
February 5, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Marci Stringham
I think phone calling is the reason I am a terrible visiting teacher. I can’t stand to call the women to set up a time to come over. As if there were anything easier in the world! Yet I spend all month watching Arrested Development on hulu and thinking about how I should be calling them; maybe after one more episode I just might… maybe. Or maybe I need to start drinking coke…maybe.
February 5, 2009 at 11:01 pm
sunny
Even though I prefer talking to strangers on the phone more than people I actually know and/or like, I’d much rather be teaching Sunday School than writing that report for the bishop. Sounds dreadful. Sorry.
February 6, 2009 at 12:07 am
margy
totally agree. the phone is definitely overrated. and i think this post is hilarious. i would be right there with you – having to “prep” myself by eating, caffeining, and watching hulu.
February 6, 2009 at 7:22 am
Evelyn
I dare you to tell someone that you love to teach. Next thing you know you’ll either have sunbeams or that rowdy class of 7-year old boys that hasn’t had a teacher last more than 3 weeks.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with sunbeams or rowdy 7-year old boys…)
February 6, 2009 at 8:50 am
lisapiorczynski
Louise–
I just went to mychurch.com and was pretty sure that wasn’t your church. So I started googling “plummer church” and found a bunch of Captain Von Trapp worshipers. Sure, it’d be fun to sing “Edleweiss” every Sunday. But I’d prefer to have testimony meetings wherein we verbally abuse ugly goldfish.
Send the correct link, please.
February 6, 2009 at 9:45 am
kathryn
I make my husband do the calling – to order food, to wish his mother happy birthday, to wish MY mother a happy birthday… I used to have true phobia about calling people, too. But my first job almost cured me of it. Now I too only call people when I’m being paid to do it. Somehow, that changes everything. I can put on my confidence & poise… as long as there is a paycheck.
February 6, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Angelique
ugh, phone calls are the worst – giving and receiving – especially when you know that people you’re calling are going to try and dodge – my least favorite calling is VT supervisor where you have to hunt down women once a month and wring from them an admission that they haven’t had a chance to do their visiting teaching this month
also, recently the phones in our house that have caller ID stopped working and now when the phone rings, we have NO IDEA WHO IT IS – it is the scariest thing in the world to answer the phone blind
lastly, so glad to hear that eating and bad TV in bed are the preferred procrastination techniques of classy women everywhere
February 6, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Laura
Boy, if I marry the boy I’m dating now, I’m excited that I will have a very powerful tool at my disposal. He HATES the phone and I bet I can get him to do any number of unpleasant things in exchange for my remarkable phoning skills.
February 6, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Emily kate
I always always always make my husband call for me. I put his phone number on anything that has either of our names associated with it. I never return messages. I think e-mail is God’s gift to man and we should use it. Amen.
February 6, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Miggy
Louise. Seriously. You’re hilarious. And brilliant. Will you adopt me? Just think about it, K?
February 9, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Amy in Tucson
I think you’ve struck a nerve! 36 comments from people who either hate calling out themselves, or know someone who is. I keep track of birthdays and then tell my husband so he’ll call them. Then I’ll hover nearby and interject comments into the conversation. It has got to be so annoying and I’m so glad my husband puts up with it. In those cases, speaker phone is a wonderful thing. I can join in the conversation without actually being responsible for the call. This hasn’t caught on for my sisters’ birthdays, though. I guess it would be weird to have my husband call them for their birthdays. So I usually spend all day thinking guiltily of the fabulous present I should have gotten them so they’d know I love them even though I didn’t call them, and then send an apology e-mail the following week with the true, but trite, comment “I was thinking of you all day.”
February 10, 2009 at 11:03 pm
sarahlolson
Amy in Tucson/cousin, LOL. That deserved an LOL. One of my best friends birthdays is on Thursday, and that’s already my plan. (Karren, come Thursday, I plan to think of you all day. Please forgive me when/if I don’t call out.)
April 24, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Liz
I feel like I’m kind of late on this comment, but I’m new to the apron stage and I’m catching up on everything posted. (by the way, I’m hooked) I just felt the need to say, that I enjoy making phone calls. I am the one who ALWAYS calls and it does not bother me one bit. I make calls I don’t even need to make. Once I called a local grocery store just because I wondered how they pronounced the store name. After reading this post and its comments however, I think I’ll start doing some bargaining. I’ll never have to wash dishes again!
All of that being said, I hate returning emails.